


godfeels 2, part 2: set in stone

by SarahZedig



Series: godfeels, or: "i dreamed of feeling better" [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Coming Out, Earth C (Homestuck), Friend Murder, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Grimbark, Oops, Retcon, Sadstuck, Tattoos, Time Travel, Trans Female Character, Trans John Egbert, Transgender, Transphobia, Trickster Mode (Homestuck), alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-11 14:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20548049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahZedig/pseuds/SarahZedig
Summary: My name is June Eg8ert, and I'm so human it hurts. Let's do something a8out that, shall we?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING for: alcohol use, discussion of alcoholism

Roxy: so im at th librarby rite  
Roxy: n this guy comes up 2 me n he sayz  
Roxy: "ey r u 1 a dem gods r somethin"  
Roxy: n i wuz liek  
Roxy: "yeh b wuts up"  
Roxy: n he was all  
Roxy: "if ur a dogd y u make bad stuff hapen"  
Roxy: thn i wa sall  
Roxy: "duno mang may b ur shit just sux"  
Roxy: n this guy  
Roxy: this fuckn guy  
Roxy: this fukin guy sats  
Roxy: sayt*  
Roxy: sdays*  
Roxy: dis fkn dude xclames  
Roxy: "wel i don lik ur toneg"  
Roxy: n thn he fuxn dupms is cifee all ovr my bok!!!  
Roxy: sos i did th thng qhere i reatch out n grab sum shit from the voyd  
Roxy: gess i ews efelign saucy cuz i grbd a fuckin  
Roxy: uhh  
Roxy: a wut th fuk  
Roxy: shut  
Roxy: shot*  
Roxy: danm it  
Roxy: cally bb help me otu here im fukn shlmed  
Calliope: doesn't kanaya call it a lipstick?  
Roxy: no ny lopstuck  
Roxy: lapstakc  
Roxy: stak a lps  
Roxy: id lik u staced on my lap caliy  
Roxy: u 2 junebug fuk it  
June: are you talking a8out a ch8nsaw?  
Roxy: CHANSEW  
Roxy: shit my ass  
Roxy: tnks yu  
Roxy: n e way thats why i cant go bak 3 th lirbray ne orem  
June: wow.  
June: that was an incredi8ble story, roxy.  
Roxy: thx babe i try  
June: "try" is defin8ly a thing you do!  
June: I'm gonna need a8out six more drinks if this is the cali8er of convers8ion I gotta keep up with.  
Roxy: yeh 8bithc keep up  
Roxy: ey do u like my u imprserion  
Roxy: im person*  
Roxy: o dang yes i am person  
Roxy: u 2 cali  
Calliope: u_u  
Roxy: n so r you juney!!  
Roxy: cheeeeeeeeeersz!  
Roxy: fuk that ws nine es  
Roxy: grl u no im gay y u gota make numrs ur thing

I laugh and shrug my shoulders. Despite the day I've had, I still can't wipe the smile off my face. I have a decent buzz going, Roxy is slammed, and Calliope, uh. Well, they don't seem to be affected by alcohol. But they're clearly happy to be here! And honestly, right now, I'm pr8y fucking thankful to have them here too. Callie's whole fuckin relentless optimistic positiv8y thing is goddamn infectious.

Jeez, have I always cussed this much?

We're all sitting in plastic fold out lawn chairs around a cute little 8on fire in a cute little stone circle. When I idly mentioned a desire to burn some shit, Roxy excitedly pulled approxim8ly one metric forest's worth of logs out of thin air. Callie brought outside a wide assortment of awful candies, which they've dumped unceremoniously on the ground. They plucked a bag of marshmallows from the pile, and now they're gra88ing those sweet white puffs, impaling them on a sharp stick, roasting them black, and gleefully eating them in a single bite. It is just about the most wholesome and adora8le thing I have ever seen.

Hmm.

Roxy's got a point a8out the 8's. Why IS that my thing all of the sudden?

A sudden?

No, it's defin8ly "the sudden."

It's something I will need to refl8ct on eventually. W8, no, reflEct. That one wasn't even... UGH

I need another god damn mimosa.

I levit8 out of the chair and float (8ecause fuck legs, honestly) over to the busted card table that's currently covered in 8ooze and mixers and just go to town on some stuff. Before coming out I was never much of a dr8nker so I really have no idea what I'm doing, 8ut I think, uh-

What is this, everclear? That's one of the mild ones, r8? I think I read that somewhere. You always want to start with the mild shit because of drink reasons.

I fill a roxy-blue dixie cup (rixie cup?) a little over half full with everclear and then look around for something stronger to give it an edge.

A8sinthe? The fuck is this jolly green bullshit doing in an open air liquor cabinet? No idea what it is 8ut I like the sound of an absinthe everclear mimosa. A, uhh... mimeversinthe? Absimiclear? One of those is pro8ably defin8ly what it is called.

Just as I start to pour whatever the shit this shit is into this other shit, my phone dings. With my free hand, I take a look.

It's a message from Terezi.

The lock screen preview cuts off some of the text, 8ut it says:

Terezi: H3Y JOHN 1 GOT 4 W31RD M3SS4G3 FROM J4D3 4BOU

I click the phone off and slip it back into my pocket. Cripe-a-doodle dandy, what the fuck did J8 say to Terezi? I didn't even know she had her number anymore.

Oh hell's fuckin bells, what the crap am I gonna say to Terezi!

"hey so uhh remem8er how you said i was in denial a8out some stuff? well you'll never guess what Vriska h8d to say a8out it!"

8efore the dread of that question can even 8egin to seep into my conscious mind (which is the place where questions happen and is therefore the home of all my stress), I resoundingly dump absinthe all the way into this rixie. So much a8sinthe. I want all of the abs8the you got, a8sinthe 8ottle.

The cup has overflowed by a staggering amount, which is okay because who gives a shit. Satisfied with this solution to the mess pro8lem I just m8, I grab my cup and float 8ack over to my pl8ce by the fire. The foul-smelling ichor sloshes over my knuckles as I go, leaving a tr8l that, uhh, is maybe eating through the grass? I don't know and fr8nkly I don't care.

Nothing Heroic or Just a8out dying of gutrot, right?

Unless of course it's justice for an angry trans girl to die for the sin of standing up for herself NOPE Nope nope cutting TH8T particular thought tr8n off right 8t the knees! Gonna ho88le that train like 8 fucking captive writer what tried to esc8pe my murder cabin. Just str8 up eviscer8ing that tr8in like a... like a... fuck there's gotta be a way for me to torture this metaphor some more.

Whatever. I take a large gulp from this shitty blue cuUUUUHOH

Roxy: yo june u gud? u lookin like u just saw a goats er somthin  
Calliope: oooh, i adore goats! they're the ones that like to lick salt, yes?  
Roxy: no bb ur thinkn of goats. juney hun ur face is lookin prety uh  
Roxy: dying?  
Roxy: say sumthin grl wuts up  
June: ...  
June: cough  
June: ...  
June: uhh, ahem  
June: I uh  
June: hmm.  
June: what is everclear?  
Roxy: uh oh  
June: yeah thats, about r8  
June: and um  
June: a8sinthe? isn't that just or8nge juice but green? like that f8cked up shrek ketchup  
Roxy: o  
Roxy: o honey no  
June: mmhmm.   
June: cool.

My mouth is a wretched ruin of its former self. I regard the cup of disgusting, noxious, defin8ly flamm8ble spirits the way one might regard the open mouth of a bu8bling volcano.

I chug the whole thing and toss rixie into the fire. Rest in piss, rixie.

Roxy: JUNE WTF  
Roxy: dog dam grli u rly mean busnes 2nite  
June: yeah 8itch  
June: what do you-  
June: burp ughhgod  
June: wh8t do you think this is, 8aby 8ullshit cryb8by time for inf8nts?  
June: motherfucker if I wanted to remem8er my day I woulda stuck with la craw.  
June: la croy?  
June: la cro ix?  
Roxy: i thnk its "la cray"  
Roxy: as in "fukn hel juen u cray"  
Roxy: like cray z  
Roxy: do u get it  
Calliope: i get it! that was very clever wordplay, roxy.  
Roxy: thx cail yr th lite a my lyf

She leans over, aiming to give Callie a dainty kiss on the cheek. Instead she presses half her face against their eyes and nose, but Callie doesn't seem to know the difference.

Actually, I'm like a 8illion percent sure they defin8ly know the difference. What a fucking trooper.

My hands are tingling. I hold them up close to the fire, 8ut they don't seem to be cold. Roxy tosses another log in the pit, and I watch as a cloud of gleaming red sparks float up into the night. There's an earthy, smokey scent in the air, the kind that'll stick to my clothes for weeks. Little tongues of flame eat dark lines into the exposed surface of the log. 8eneath, the coals puls8 with the wind's encouragement.

June: hey uh. roxy?  
Roxy: wutsup  
June: I just remem8ered that you're like,  
June: in recovery?  
June: feel like I shoulda asked about that 8efore we got started.  
June: fuck, I'm sorry.  
Roxy: aw juney  
Roxy: dont apolplogize  
Roxy: ive had like  
Roxy: three glasses a pagne at best  
Roxy: not nothin but i know wuts up  
June: oh  
Roxy: yeh  
Roxy: some calcaholics cant touch th stuff n e more n i get that  
Roxy: but that aint me  
Roxy: 8nt* sry  
Roxy: my prob wasnt booze it was boozin alone  
Roxy: n like i dunno  
Roxy: sumtimes i just wana hve fun w frends  
Roxy: n genraly folx luv a drunk n h8 a drunkrd  
Roxy: evry1s difrent w rebards 2 alkinhaul n 4 me that mens occsionially goin ham on som fuccin fizy liftin drinx  
June: you sure it's okay?  
Roxy: biptch  
Roxy: batch*  
Roxy: mofo i shud b th 1 askin u if ur ok  
Roxy: i mean u fuckin  
Roxy: u did a gendr crime 2day n now all ur frends r liek  
Roxy: .;9  
Roxy: soooo  
Roxy: R u ok?  
June: I um.  
June: I don't know.  
June: I don't want to think a8out it.  
Roxy: i getchu its ben a long n shitty wendysday  
Roxy: dam it now im hungry  
Calliope: oh! roxy, woUld you like a mallow?  
Roxy: holy shipt  
Roxy: yes plz  
Calliope: what aboUt you, june?  
June: uh,

Come on, me. Don't think about it.

Just stop thinking about it.

Whatever you do, June, do not think about how much of a 8itch you were to Jade. I mean why did I do that? What's my fuckin pro8lem? Why couldnt I just accept her apology?? Then she would 8e here getting hammed with us instead of proba8ly crying alone in her la8 or some other equally depr8ssing locale. 8fter everything we talked a8out how could I just kick her to th8 cur8 like th8t???????? Am I really just THAT 8ad of a person that I cant even swallow my pride long enough to

June: is this what 8ein a girl is like  
June: alien8ing friends and pissing everyone off  
Roxy: p much yeah  
Roxy: if u got a spine the worlds got it out 4 u  
June: dang  
June: that's a shit  
Roxy: tell me abt it  
June: oh uh,  
June: okay  
June: so I guess I'm a 8adass transgender motherfucker or what the fuck ever now  
June: like I pro8a8ly got the best deal of any gal like me cause my stupid powers g8ve my g8nder pow8rs too so now I'm like  
June: double powered  
June: or something  
June: fuck if I know actually 8ecause I've been me for approxim8ly what  
June: 8 hours?  
June: oh shit used an 8 as an actual eight that's neat  
June: and then here comes the godd8mn cop squ8d with all their fuckin CONCERNS  
June: 8itch what a8out MY concerns???  
June: like what clothes I'm gonna we8r  
June: or how to put on m8keup  
June: jegus is that some shit i gotta figure 8ut now?  
June: how bout the concern of lik8  
June: the fuck do I do with myself?  
June: I resolved to stop 8eing a sad s8ck just long en8ugh for 8asically 8ll my fr8inds to fuckin d8mp m8  
June: oh shit john's a june now, and she W8NTS stuff?  
June: no thx  
June: ugh I hate the t8ste of my old n8me  
June: its like  
June: uhh  
June: oh hold on

I lean my head over the side of the chair away from the others and vomit pretty spectacularly. I could descri8e it in excruci8ng detail but honestly I think I'm just gonna throw that on the list of things I don't want to think about 8ut am apparently thinking a8out anyw8y 8eca8se eve8yth8ng f8ck8n s8cks and

June: guhhhhhhhh  
June: hrrrghhgh  
June: blech  
June: crap damn, huh?  
June: hell  
June: yes please I would love a mallow.  
June: f8ckin go to town on a mallow so h8rd I 8ust my teeth on the motherf8ck8r.  
Calliope: oh, of coUrse! please, take the whole bag. i'm sure roxy can procUre Us another!  
Roxy: u no it hun

I gra8 a fistful of marshy mallows and aim the whole glob in the gener8l direction of my mouth. Mostly I miss, just sorta pressing m8llows into my che8ks. The rest I chew a8sently, autom8tically. Think I can feel some mallowy saliv8 dri8ble out the corner of my m8uth. Try to wipe it 8way but I think I just sme8r more m8llow on me.

Roxy: june  
Roxy: i luv u  
June: thmk myu, mroxy  
Roxy: no prob

Reach my h8nd into the 8ag and hit 8ottom. Look 8nd see its 8mpty.

So8. Just one. One sorrowful so8 that goes nowh8re.

Roxy le8ns over and g8ntly removes the bag from my h8nds. I try to thank her again, 8ut my mouth is too full. Oh r8. Swall8wing. Thats a th8ng people do. Re8d a8out that on the internet, I th8nk.

June: thank you  
June: for taking the bag  
June: away from me  
Roxy: u doin ok over there  
June: no  
June: no I am not  
Roxy: wuts up  
June: I  
June: did I m8ke a mist8ke  
June: w8s this a b8d choice  
Roxy: evrclear n absynth? yeh id call that a mistake  
June: no I mean  
June: 8m I having a mist8ke  
June: 8nd is the m8st8ke me  
June: w8s June a 88d ide8  
Roxy: i uh  
Calliope: jUne egbert! are yoU insinUating that yoU really had a choice in these events?  
June: I mean ye8h  
Calliope: well, i hope this doesn't come across as rUde bUt i think that statement is actUally rather insUlting!  
June: uh  
Calliope: getting to be who yoU are is a precioUs thing that very few people trUly get to experience!  
Calliope: woUld yoU really rather go back to how yoU were before today?  
June: I 8ont know  
June: may8e  
Calliope: so what yoU are really telling Us is that yoUr identity is only worth it if living as yoUrself comes easily?  
Calliope: i really hate to jUdge and i know you are in a profoUndly compromised state at the moment, bUt I refUse to sit in this Uncomfortable seat  
Roxy: (hey now)  
Calliope: and let yoU berate yoUrself oUt of some misgUided sense of self pity!  
Calliope: qUite frankly it hUrts to hear yoU mUll over the possibility of Unbecoming yoUrself when every day i wake Up wondering if my awfUl brother will somehow come back for me and take the ring that is keeping me alive right off my finger!  
Calliope: or worse, that it will jUst slip off when i am in the shower, or while i am oUt for groceries, or even while i am having an otherwise pleasant evening roasting mallows and imbibing qUestionable sUbstances with my friends!  
Calliope: yoU sUggest that yoU have a choice? well, so do i!  
Calliope: i can choose to disappear any time i like.  
Calliope: i coUld do it right now!

Calliope puts her hand over the life ring and Roxy jumps out of her seat, sending the chair flying backwards. My impulses are too dulled to even rem8tely move that fast.

Roxy: callie wtf r u doin???

The cherub looks at Roxy, smiles just so, and gently separ8es their hands.

Calliope: bUt i choose not to because there are people who love me, and who woUld dearly miss me if i were to disappear again.  
Calliope: there are days when i am sad and tired and yes, perhaps even resentfUl of my existence as the only of my kind on this world.  
Calliope: bUt that i exist at all is, in every possible sense of the word, a miracle!  
Calliope: as is yoUrs  
Calliope: so please, jUne. from one miracle to another.  
Calliope: do not moUrn your existence.  
Calliope: the people who have wronged yoU will feel jUst as they do whether you loathe yoUrself or love yoUrself.  
Calliope: and i can only presUme that yoU did not become who yoU are jUst to continUe capitUlating to the demands of people who genUinely do not Understand yoU.  
June: ...  
Roxy: fuckin a  
Roxy: god dam caly th crowd goes wild  
Roxy: srsly tho if u pull sum shit like that agn im gonna be 1 ir8 mfer  
Roxy: (dang juney this 8 shit mite actuly got some legs)  
Calliope: i'm so sorry roxy, i didn't mean to worry yoU. u_u  
Roxy: its whatevs babe just warn me next time  
Calliope: oh! jUne, are yoU alright?  
June: I uhh  
June: yeah, I just  
June: heh  
June: hahahahahahahaha!  
June: god damn  
June: I sort of backed myself into an emotional corner there and, uh  
June: kinda forgot how fuckin cool it is to 8e me!  
Roxy: damn bitch u alredy mood swingin like a pro u sure u 8nt on that titty skittle shit  
June: no, just  
June: spect8cularly drunk.  
Roxy: o yeh u rite  
Calliope: well then! if i may be so bold as to make a sUggestion?  
Calliope: obvioUsly today's events were regrettable, bUt tomorrow is another chance to make it right! and in the meantime...

Callie reaches down into the pile of junk food next to them and retrieves a comically large lollipop with swirls of red and green, then holds it out to me.

Calliope: woUld yoU like to, eh haha...  
Calliope: apologies if this is crUde language, roxy keeps saying i shoUld "cUt loose" more bUt i still find it rather, Um, disagreeable most of the time.  
Calliope: bUt that said:  
Calliope: woUld yoU like to get REALLY fUcked Up?


	2. Chapter 2

June: sunlight is the worst thing god ever did to us. who the shit  
June: w8  
June: that's me isnt it  
June: fuuuuuuuuck my bad yall  
June: =_=  
June: okay I gotta  
June: gotta get up

I have no spatial or geographical awareness whatsoever, which is why its such a good idea that I just propelled myself upr8 like a goddamn

something clever.

June: uhgghhhgh  
June: if I can just focus on the sun with my mind  
June: I can zap out there with my br8n powers  
June: and make that fucker disappear  
June: then well never have to worry about rude hang over wake ups ever again  
June: son of a 8itch  
June: daughter of a 8itch?  
June: doesnt have the same ring to it guess im a fuckin sexist now too  
June: guhhhhh why do- why are my insides  
June: not  
June: oof, okay   
June: guess I should open my eyes huh

I open my eyes.

Oh.

Uhhh.

Well.

That's defin8ly...

Hmmm.

Oops?

June: oops  
Dirk: "Oops" is right.

I goddamn near jump out of my skin as I spin around behind me to see

He sees Dirk Strider standing amidst the rubble, sword in hand. A hollow forms in the pit of his stomach as

June: what the fuck is this sh8

he...

June: it's she now 8TW you anime lookin doofus  
June: the fuck you want strider  
Dirk: Interesting. You seem markedly different from the last time we spoke.  
June: yeah no sh8 dumpass  
June: do you mind? I'm tryna figure out what the heck is goin on.

I glance away from cool kid mcsomethin over there (jeez louise my name calling game is we8k af when I'm hung over) to see a burning

Guilt begins to seep in as she weighs the cost of what she has done. Will all this collateral be worth it? She's starting to wonder if perhaps she's made a mista

June: WILL YOU CUT TH8T OUT  
June: jegus fuck cant a motherfucker just be alone with her thoughts?  
June: ...  
June: wait hold up  
June: how are you doing that?  
Dirk: Doing what?  
June: the goddamn  
June: narration thing  
June: wow that's a ludicrous sentence to s8y out loud  
Dirk: I don't know what you could possibly be talking about.  
Dirk: In any case, I feel we have more pressing matters to attend to. For instance:  
Dirk: What have you done with Roxy?  
June: wut

Dude points his sword at me. Love to w8ke up from a wild night on the town to a yuppy weea8oo pointing a god damn katan8 at me like he's gonna do somethin8.

Are those fingerless gloves?

Dirk: I am not in any kind of mood to play a game of verbal cat and mouse with you.  
June: theres 8 first  
Dirk: I will ask again, slowly this time so you can really hear me.  
Dirk: What.  
Dirk: Have.  
Dirk: You.  
Dirk: Do  
June: done with roxy yeah jeez man I get it fuck  
June: I dont know wh8t the hell youre talkin a8out I liter8lly just woke up  
June: my head is so full of 8s i cant even like  
June: 8s. be8s? eights or b8es? what am i even saying r8 now  
June: hold on

Taking a couple steps to the side, I clear my throat and proceed to hock a truly concerningly green loogey on to what looks l8ke a big chunk concrete with rebar stuck out of it all half hazard like.

Looks like that 8ecause that is exactly what it is.

June: look man  
June: last I saw her we w8s sitting around a campfire with callie talkin a8out our gender trou8les and commiser8in over some booze and psychedelic candy  
Dirk: Ah. Well, that certainly explains a few things.   
June: so I dunno what the hell crawled up your ass youre thinkin that i did somethin with r8xy  
Dirk: Fair enough, I suppose. The juju's hangovers are legendarily crippling.  
Dirk: How about I show you what crawled up my ass? Maybe it'll jog your memory.  
June: gross

Dirk pulls out his phone, taps his thumbs a few times, and then holds it out to me.

Dirk: Please feel free to peruse at your leisure.

I'm a little weirded out by a Strider just handing me his unlocked phone to pilfer through but whatever. I take it and start swiping and honestly this doesn't looK OH JEEPERS TH8T'S BAD

Dirk: May I?  
June: uhhh. um. what the fuc  
Dirk: I'll take that as consent, then.

The first picture is relatively unassuming: a bit of sloppy graffiti on the brick facade of a storefront, whose curiously cerulean letters are entirely illegible.

(pr8y sure it says "bunnies over bucks" but go off)

Hmm. So it does.

The second picture shows a few smashed windows in what appears to be the residential district of the Consort Kingdom. A gaggle of lizards and salamanders are grub-nakking their stern disapproval.

It goes on like this for several more images: petty vandalism, defacing public property. Seemingly indiscriminate in both locale and function. Not exactly ideal conduct but hardly the worst thing one could do with their Wednesday night, given the enormous reserves of wealth and clout she possesses as a celebrity and as a God. She's almost beginning to think that hey 8uckarooney don't tell me my thoughts unless you want a good old fashion 8eat down, trust me i 8nt afraid to pants a motherfuck8r

Pardon me. It's become something of a habit at this point. I'll attempt to restrain myself.

Returning her attention to the phone, June gets at last to the seventh picture. This is when the tenor of her current social encounter starts to make a bit more sense.

First, here is Rose's house. A tree is sticking out of the bedroom window.

Next is Dave's home. The roof has been blown off, and there are a few supporting struts that are just a little bit on fire. There is a tag on the wall that says:

I LOVE YOU K8RK8T.

Lastly is Jade's lab. Or rather, the place where Jade's lab once stood. June recognizes the location from the jaunty tree that was once positioned just outside Jade's office window. There is no offending debris, no sign of destruction. Just a perfectly spherical hole in the ground.

This certainly looks bad, but it's still salvageable as long as...

Well, would it be a Just death to kill a few friends who didn't accept your new identity?

As June reflects on this possibility, she arrives then at the eleventh picture. 

In the foreground is the telltale trident of CrockerCorp, stuck in the earth from what must have been a very long fall. Behind it lay the ruins of what she immediately identifies as the CrockerCorp headquarters, a nearly seventy-story skyscraper now knocked completely horizontal. A few more pictures in and she sees that the damage is exactly as bad as she imagined when seen from above: the building was not blown up or demolished, but seemingly cut down like a tree and left to fall wherever the breeze might take it. In this case, the breeze seemed to have had a nor'easterly persuasion, which happens to have been among the more densely populated regions of the city. Dozens of businesses and residences are decimated beneath its concrete remains, and there is a haze of smoke and dust suffusing the air for miles around. June thinks she can hear screams, but it's unclear whether those are coming from inside or outside her own head.

>::::(

There is more, but before she gets a chance to scroll through it, Dirk beckons for his phone back.

...

oh. uh, right

June hands it- I mean, I hand it over without 8ny fuss.

June: oops.  
June: ...  
June: did i do th8t?  
Dirk: Yes.  
June: huh.  
June: w8 how can you be sure?

Dirk goes back through his picture roll to find MOTHERF8CKER I DON'T NEED YOUR INNER MONOL8GUE JUST SHOW ME THE DAMn picturohfuk.

At the base of where the tower once stood, spray-painted in the same childishly inscrutable cerulean scrawl as before, are the words,

MY NAME IS JUNE EG8ERT AND I DID THIS.

June: wow that's uh  
June: that's a sh8me  
Dirk: "Shame" is what you call it when you accidentally knock over your grandmother's casket at a funeral.   
Dirk: I would say this falls a lot closer in definition to a war crime.  
June: ok lets not  
June: jump to conclusions  
June: vis-8-vis categories of crime  
June: ...  
June: what does this have to do with roxy?  
Dirk: Oh, of course. How could I forget?

And again this nerd with his fuck8ng PHONE my guy you could've just let me scroll through the rest inste8d of doing this whole dr8matic reve8l I mean SERI8USLY let's just get on with it!

After a few decisive swipes 8fter a few l8me finger motions he holds the dum8 thing out for me, fucking fin8lly. It displays a screenshot of a sn8p sent from Roxy's phone which shows,

oh fuck.

Oh, that is bad.

What the fuck was I DOING l8st night????????

Would you like me to take over?

bro it's a pic of me holding 8n unconscious Roxy in my arms flying over some indistinct mount8ins with the text "You'll never find her with8ut me", I think I can h8ndle that descri8ion.

Dirk puts his phone away again, nodding with satisf8ction at the fact that he took pictures and showed them to another hum8n person, an event we might recognize as the 8are minimum required for a picture to perform its liter8l only function. Jeez, this guy. No wonder D8ve is so fucked up.

Dirk: Let's not bring my brother's neuroses into this.  
Dirk: In any case, why don't we get back to the matter at hand?

He p8ints his sword at me. Again.

Yup, those are defin8ly fingerless gloves.

Dirk: What did you do with Roxy?  
June: uhhhhhhhh  
June: ...  
June: ...  
June: ...  
June: ...  
June: ...  
June: ...  
Dirk: Well?  
June: ...  
June: ...

I zap the f8ck out of there.

\----

Trees. The sound of leaves brushing against each other in the wind. I'm not sure where I 8m, but it's defin8ly not where I just was, and that means it's an improvement.

I glance around just to make sure no one else is here, and then I collapse to the ground. My he8d hurts so much. And so does... my hand?

I hold up my right arm to see that my knuckles, fingers, and even a pretty decent chunk of my wrist 8re 8ruised and swollen. I try to move it and recoil from the sharp sting of what are almost assuredly 8roken 8ones.

Did I...

No.

No way.

Did I punch a skyscraper so hard it fell over?

...I need water. Deeeeeeeefin8ly not gonna go anywhere to get some just now, though. Prob8bly a good idea to just lay low and try to figure out what the fuck happened last night.

I check my pockets and, 8y some miracle, my phone is still on me. The lock screen displays a choice selection of push notific8ions, such as:

TERRORIST ATTACK AT CROCKERCORP BRINGS WIDESPREAD DESTRUCTION, CASUALTIES UNKNOWN, SUSPECT STILL AT LARGE

WHERE ARE OUR GODS NOW? AN EXPOSE ON THE FALLIBILITY OF DIVINE RIGHT

ALMOST OVER: SPECIAL SALES EVENT AT

I swipe them all into oblivion, only to arrive once again at that hanging message from Terezi. With a sigh, I unlock my phone and get to reading.

Terezi: H3Y JOHN 1 GOT 4 W31RD M3SS4G3 FROM J4D3 4BOUT YOU 4PP4R3NTLY SH3S R34LLY WORR13D  
Terezi: SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 4N OMN1SC13NT G3ND3R? SH3 W4S CRYTYP1NG SO 1T W4S H4RD TO T3LL WH4T SH3 W4S S4Y1NG 3X4CTLY  
Terezi: GU3SS YOUR3 BUSY SO JUST G3T B4CK TO M3 WH3N YOU C4N  
Terezi: 1V3 GOT 4NOTH3R OF THOS3 UH  
Terezi: WH4T TH3 GRUBB1NG H3LL 1S 1T 4G41N  
Terezi: F33L1NGS!! BUT 1TS 4 B4D ON3 TH1S T1M3  
Terezi: JOHN 1 KNOW YOU CH3CK YOUR PHON3 3V3RY T3N M1NUT3S  
Terezi: YOU H4V3 NO L1F3 COM3 ON WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG  
june: hello terezi.  
Terezi: JOHN WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S UP  
june: its june now.  
june: I would really appreci8 it  
june: if you would not refer to me  
june: by any other name.  
Terezi: OH SH1T  
Terezi: FUCK1NG F1N4LLY JUN3 TH4T 1S TH3 B3ST N3WS  
Terezi: JUN3 1S 4 GR34T N4M3 1T SU1TS YOU L1K3 F1TT3D WORKPL4C3 4TT1R3  
Terezi: 3XC3PT 1TS SOM3TH1NG YOU DONT DR34D PUTT1NG ON 3V3RY D4Y B3FOR3 GO1NG 1NTO WORK 4T TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4T1V3 BUR34U OF 1NST1G4T1ONS  
Terezi: HON3STLY 1V3 B33N W41T1NG Y34RS FOR YOU TO F1N4LLY R34L1Z3  
Terezi: W41T  
Terezi: W4S TH4T 4N 8  
june: yes it w8s.  
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG VR1SK4S TH1NG  
Terezi: 1 F33L L1K3 1 SHOULDNT H4V3 TO T3LL YOU WHY TH4T M4K3S M3 UNCOMFORT4BL3  
june: uncomforta8le.  
june: that is interesting.  
june: comfort is a fickle thing.  
june: it can make one compl8cent.  
Terezi: JUN3 4R3 YOU OK4Y??  
Terezi: TH1S 1S V3RY CONC3RN1NG  
june: a lot of people  
june: have 8een telling me  
june: a8out their CONCERNS  
june: today.  
june: would you like to know  
june: what I am concerned about?  
Terezi: Y3S PL34S3 T3LL M3 WH4TS GO1NG ON  
june: I am concerned  
june: that none of these people  
june: really appreci8  
june: exactly who it is  
june: they are dealing with.  
june: I am concerned  
june: that they think  
june: they can treat me  
june: like a door mat  
june: and get away with it.  
june: I am CONCERNED  
june: that if I really want them to hear me  
june: my only option  
june: will 8e  
june: to FUCK  
june: some shit  
june: UP.  
Terezi: JUN3 WH4T 1S TH1S 4BOUT  
Terezi: TH1S DO3SNT SOUND L1K3 YOU  
june: you are not  
june: the first person  
june: to make that o8servation today.  
june: fr8nkly I am  
june: a little tired  
june: of everyone I know  
june: presuming to tell me  
june: what does or does not  
june: sound like ME.  
june: I am me.  
june: no one else  
june: gets to decide  
june: what that means.  
june: isnt that right, terezi?  
june: you said as much yourself.  
june: "I am my only o8stacle".  
june: well terezi  
june: consider me  
june: thoroughly out of my own way.  
Terezi: JUN3 WH4TS H4PP3N1NG  
Terezi: 1M C4LL1NG J4D3  
Terezi: T4LK TO M3 PL34S3  
Terezi: WHY 1S TH1S LUSUSFUS3D SP4C3 DOG NOT P1CK1NG UP  
Terezi: JUN3 WH4T D1D YOU DO??  
Terezi: FUCK TH1S  
Terezi: 1M COM1NG B4CK  
Terezi: PL34S3 DONT M4K3 M3 HURT YOU 3GB3RT

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I may have fucked up.

I think I fucked up really goddamn 8ad.

I mean I knew I was pissed off, 8ut THIS? This is just excessive.

This is...

Did I...

Did I hurt my friends?

With my left hand I speed dial Dave.

No response.

Jade?

No response.

Jane??

Nothing.

Rose?

Ringing. Ringing. Ringing. I almost give up, unti

Kanaya: YOU  
Kanaya: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO  
Kanaya: I AM GOING TO CUT YOU IN HA

I h8ng up the phone.

I feel sick to my stomach. Woozy.

Then I hear something. The sound of feet running towards me.

I roll out of the way just in time to avoid Dirk's sword as it cuts through the tree I was leaning against. It does that cool anime thing where the top half slowly slides down the perfect lacer8ion before tum8ling to the ground.

Before I can get up, he's at me again. I panic and make a gust of air strong enough to push his sword out of a killing blow and into a small cut on my arm. 8lood bu88les up out of it and drips down into the grass.

Finally I find my footing and see Dirk coming in for a thrust. I dodge to the side at the last second and punch him as hard as I c8n directly in the face. He goes flying, smashing through a few trees before sliding to a stop in a big pile of dirt.

Damn, this really is an anime figHT OW MY FUCK8N8 F8ST D8UGHTER OF A 8ITCH

As I dance around holding my arm and grimacing in pain, I see Dirk stand up from the cr8er I gave him. He wipes a bit of blood from the corner of his mouth with his thum8. Looks at it. Smiles.

Faster than I thought anyone could move outside of liter8l teleportation, Dirk flies towards me. I frantically block as 8est I can, but air is not known for 8eing particularly solid. One strike. Two. Three. I can 8arely keep pace with him as I stumble 8ackwards away from his blows. Operating on instinct. Terrified. He8d hurts.

Dirk fakes me out with a false swing, then delivers a kick to my stomach that sends me 8ouncing off a tree. Without missing a 8eat, Dirk pins me against its trunk with his sword pressed so tightly to my throat I think it 8r8s the skin.

He looks me in the eye for what feels like a very long tim8. I am pr8ty sure I am a8out to die.

Something microscopic shifts in his expression. A lilt at the corner of his m8uth. He t8kes a very slow bre8th, making sure to maintain the pressure on my neck.

A line of my blood slides down the blade and drips onto his shoes. It 8lends in almost perfectly.

Dirk: I am going to give you precisely one chance.  


I like the sound of th8.

Dirk: Of course you do.  
Dirk: Trickster mode inhibits people's self control, but it does not fundamentally alter their drive as independent human beings.  
Dirk: What you did last night is what you wanted to do.  
Dirk: And the fact that you had both the will and the power to carry out that want is truly humbling.  
Dirk: And horrifying.  
Dirk: And a fact that assuredly merits a Just execution.  
Dirk: However.  
Dirk: If I kill you now, this is the world I'm stuck with. Dead friends, injured civilians, and a staggering excess of property damage.  
Dirk: I have plans, June Egbert. I am not going to let you spoil them.  
Dirk: So I am going to give you one chance.

He leans in close, so close I can smell his swe8t.

Dirk: Fix this.

With that, he returns his sword to its sheath and lets me drop to the ground. I cough a 8it. I think may8e every part of me is in pain? When I try to stand up, all I manage is to tum8le back down. Dirk looks at me from over his shoulder.

Dirk: If I were you, I would leave soon.  
Dirk: Kanaya is close by, and I doubt she'll share my mercy.

Finally I prop myself up against a tree, swaying a bit as all the blood rushes 8ack to my head.

Dirk is walking away, stoic as fuck and pro8ably celebrating this perfectly executed anime rival 8attle.

June: dirk.

He stops and looks at me. I can't read his expression 8eneath those wildly angular sun glasses.

June: I'm sorry.

Once again, I zap away.

\----

Calliope: apologies if this is crUde language, roxy keeps saying i shoUld "cUt loose" more bUt i still find it rather, Um, disagreeable most of the time.  
Calliope: bUt that said:  
Calliope: woUld yoU like to get REALLY fUcked Up?

I zap into place 8etween the three of them, just as past me is reaching out to take the cherub's juju. Everyone looks at me, with my torn clothes and 8ruised body.

Roxy: wtf

A scream escapes my thro8t as I snatch the lollipop out of Callie's hands, snap it in two, and throw it into the fire. It doesn't seem to burn very well, but I think the point still stands.

I turn towards Callie.

June: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS JOLLY AND GOOD  
June: DO NOT  
June: GIVE ME  
June: TH8T SUCKER

And that's when I pass out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING for: minor transphobia, suicidal ideation, dysphoria

Dreams. Not like the void, not like dream bu8bles. More like... memories.

Seeing the roof fly off. Knives made of wind. Fire. Screams. Blood on the walls and floor.

I slip back into consciousness like a warm bath. First, I become aware that I am breathing. My chest expands, deflates. From the weight of it, I can tell my 8reath must stink something fierce. Eyes flit open momentarily, and now I can see the red of my eyelids. Shield my face in the crook of my arm. A slow groan seeps out from the gutter of my chest.

Smell of coffee. The smell of... is that pancakes? My stomach kicks up a loud fuss, and now I am all too aware of the fact that I have not eaten in nearly two days.

Roxy: hey is that u makin grumbles juney  
June: uuhhhhghhhhgggghhhhhhhhggg  
Roxy: hell yea. get ur ass up n come get some vittles

Let my arm slip back over my head. Another couch, another unfamiliar ceiling. Heave a sigh, sit up-

June: ow FUCK god d8mn it  
Roxy: there she is

My whole 8ody hurts. I look down and see my cuts are 8andaged and my right arm is in a sling, wrapped pretty crudely in what looks like a torn up tie dye shirt.

I touch my throat and feel the sting of a raw laceration. Delicately pull up my shirt and see a big fat 8ruise on my gut.

June: so that did happen.  
June: ne8t.  
Roxy: come on girl shit's getin cold  
June: I uh,  
June: I don't think I can move.  
Roxy: just fly in here bitch i 8nt yr maid  
Roxy: "8nt" lol  
June: oh right, that's,  
June: a thing I can do.

I float up off the couch, make myself vertical, and drift into the kitchen, which is also the dining room, and also the door to the back. The place is weirdly tiny, all things considered- which makes sense for a trailer home. A few counters around an electric oven, directly across from a formica table and some steel chairs with vinyl padding. Wall to wall wood panelling, as gaudy as they aren't wood. Calliope is already halfway through a plate of pancakes that look more syrup than cake at this point. They look at me and seem a little conflicted.

Calliope: good morning, jUne! how are yoU feeling?  
June: like an anime protagonist 8eat me to a pulp yesterday.  
Roxy: dang we all been there  
Calliope: i haven't! bUt there are many things that i do not share in common with the hUman experience of yoUng adUlthood.

My place at the table is already made up. Three pancakes stacked up on a big plate, thick pat of butter sliding down the pile. There's a mug full of coffee that says "World's Best Grandpa."

I take a long sip of the stuff. It's still a 8it too hot, but I don't care. I need something to shake me out of this haze.

Roxy slides a tall glass of water in front of me, but almost 8efore her hand is off it I neck the whole thing. I hold the glass back out at her, and she arcs a dangerous-looking eyebrow.

June: may I please have some more w8ter?  
Roxy: sure thing bb

As she fills it back up, I take the white ceramic carafe of syrup and poor it on these good spongey sugar discs. A single 8ite and it's like I've been resurrected from the dead.

June: fuck me all the way up Roxy, this is the 8est thing that has ever happened in my whole life.  
Roxy: thx hun its that good betty crocker mix  
Roxy: speakin a which janes on her way to come fix u up  
Roxy: should b here p soon

She slides her own plate on the table, reaches out into the void and pulls out a third chair. The kitchen is so tiny, she's already practically leaning up against the oven. As she sits down, Roxy leans over and plants a modest kiss on Callie's cheek. Callie perks up immediately.

Calliope: oh!  
Roxy: oh~

Callie puts a hand under Roxy's chin, and something passes between them that... makes me feel kinda jealous, honestly?

It's starting to feel a 8it lonely, 8eing me.

Roxy: so u uhh  
Roxy: u gonna tell us what happened last nite junebug  
Calliope: yes, i woUld like very mUch to know why you felt it was necessary to desecrate my prized jUjU!  
June: um

A knock at the screen door behind Callie and Roxy interrupts us, and I can see Jane standing there in her sharpest business blazer.

Roxy: come in bitch what u waitin for

As Jane comes inside, she greets us all with a 8ig smile. She hugs Roxy and nods at Callie, then strides over to my side of the room. I see a momentary flash of disgust play on her face as she witnesses the wide array of plastics masquerading as other surfaces. She turns and claps her hands.

Jane: Good morning, all! Am I to understand that John got up to some-  
Roxy: jane come on  
Jane: Oh yes, of course. I'm so sorry, June.

She says my name with a very specific emphasis that feels characteristically condescending.

Jane: Really, I am sorry. It's just hard for me, you know. You've been John for so long, "June" just sounds wrong to me. But I am sure that with time, it will start to feel more natural! I will try my best to remember from now on, I just have to communicate with so many people every day, sometimes you forget these things! Not that I don't support you, obviously I do, I think what you are doing is so brave and  
Roxy: janey plz ur killin me  
Jane: Well Roxy, I don't see what the problem is with expressing support for our friend's major life decision. I'm sure she's quite happy to hear someone finally treat her with the respect she deserves!  
June: oh yeah, you 8et, thank you so much Jane. it really means a lot to me.

Jane smiles, seeming a little reassured. I take a honkin 8ite of syrup sponge.

Jane: Right! Roxy told me you had a bit of a go of it last night and could use a spot of rejuvenation. Obviously I don't have a lot of free time in my day for such shenanigans, and of course CrockerCorp hospitals are top of the line for precisely this reason, but I can always sneak an extra break for my friends. So, let's have a look at you, shall we?

She kneels down, careful not to get her pencil skirt on the tile floor. Jane unwraps my arm, pokes it, nods when I wince, and holds out her hand. A bolt of 8lue energy arcs through the air from her fingertips and coats me in a warm glow. As she channels her Life powers, she regards my whole sort of THING with a curious smile.

Jane: This will only take a few moments. May I ask, Jo- oh uh, June, excuse me! June, may I ask what it was that caused you this grievous physical trauma?  
June: Well, uh

There's another knock, this time from the front door. Whoever it is doesn't w8 for an answer before coming in.

Dirk: Roxy, Callie, are you home?

oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shi

Roxy: yo strider were in the kitchen  
Roxy: the fuck you doin in the boonies this time a the mornin?  
Dirk: Oh, I just happened to be out for a walk and thought I would check in on my favorite couple.

My entire body clenches up, which doesn't do gr8 things for my apparently busted rib. I wince as Dirk steps into the room, wearing a sleeveless tank top and cargo pants. Can practically feel his Hella Jeff tattoo winking at me suggestively.

Dirk: Would you look at this? We're just one gun-loving globetrotter away from a Noble reunion. How are you, Jane Crocker?  
Jane: Oh, you know how it is. Busy as all get out. Work never stops for a multinational corporation! Hoo hoo hoo!  
Dirk: Naturally. Ms. Lalonde? Calliope? I feel like we haven't seen each other in some time.  
Roxy: yeh u no we been busy  
Calliope: have we been bUsy? we mostly sit aroUnd and... how did you pUt it? canoodle?  
Roxy: lol this is embarasin but damn i love ur accent  
Calliope: u_u  
Dirk: No need to make excuses, I can't imagine I would behave much differently if I were in your shoes. Besides, it's not like I haven't been keeping busy myself. When you're immersed in a complicated project, it's easy to forget the importance of making time for your friends.  
Jane: Well said, Dirk.

Dirk turns his head in my direction.

Dirk: And what about you, John? You seem more than a little worse for wear.  
June: oh you know,  
June: just... 8eing gay. doing crimes. the usual.  
June: well not literally doing crimes, o8viously. 8ecause those are illegal.  
June: and the gay thing is new too actually, that must 8e Vriska or something cause I haven't even really,  
June: I mean I'm in to girls and I'm a girl now so I guess that makes me gay??  
June: I guess none of this is all that usual for me actually so what I just said was 8asically a lie, then, so...  
June: yeah.  
June: it's 8een a hell of a few days! hahahahahahahaha.  
June: hah.  
June: ahem.  
June: also, it's June now.  
June: should have led with that.  
Dirk: June. I like the sound of that. Sounds like the name of someone a complacent man might easily underestimate.  
June: uhh  
Roxy: wow dirk  
Roxy: thats fuckin weird to say  
Roxy: sry i love you but it 8nt gotta be a freudian fuckin issue like maybe its just her name

I always knew Roxy was cool, 8ut everything about her treatment of me the last few days has been... jeez. I'm starting to feel like maybe I want to cry? It's 8een such a fraught and bizarre week that I haven't had time to really consider how fuckin nice it is to have someone in my corner like this.

Jane pauses her healing rays and pokes my right arm. No pain. Satisfied, she stands back up and straightens her skirt. Wait, was she kneeling that whole time in heels?

Jane: Besides a little residual bruising, you should be good as new! Now, as much as I would love to stay and catch up with everyone, I'm afraid I have business responsibilities to get back to.  
Jane: Roxy, if you ever change your mind about this, er, pedestrian residential decision, I would absolutely love to  
Roxy: jane

They look at each other. Whatever passes 8etween them may be the exact opposite of what passed between her and Callie.

Jane: Right. Well, it's been lovely seeing all of you. Dirk, if I remember correctly we have a meeting next Tuesday?  
Dirk: That sounds right.  
Jane: Excellent. I look forward to whatever it is you have up your sleeve!  
Jane: Metaphorically, of course. :B

A smile plays at the corner of Dirk's mouth.

Jane: And as for you, June, please consider yesterday's offer an open one.  
Jane: And, well...

She bites her lower lip, looking a little out of her depth.

Jane: I know it can't be easy having your friends react to your life decisions with such... skepticism.  
Jane: For whatever it's worth, I think they're behaving like a gaggle of myopic little toads. And I truly believe that, once they see how happy you are now...  
Jane: Well, I think they will come around.  
Jane: ;B

Her wink reminds me so much of Nannasprite it's uncanny, and an old longing tugs at my heart. Our web of cross-universal ecto8iological relationships has always proven difficult to navig8, because I know in my head that she isn't the grand mother who raised my dad. And yet, somehow... she is?

It's hard to know what to do with that inform8ion.

Jane: Alright, everyone! I hope you have a pleasant rest of your day.

As she leaves the trailer, Dirk hops up on the counter in the far corner of the kitchen.

Roxy: that girl i swear  
Roxy: i love her but damn sometimes she just  
Roxy: n she barely even acknowledges you callie that shit gets me steamed  
Calliope: oh, it doesn't bother me! i'm sUre she jUst has a lot on her mind.  
Roxy: 8nt that the truth

She sighs and sees that my plate is empty.

Roxy: u want more juney  
June: oh, uhh...

I glance nervously at Dirk.

June: no, I think I'm ok. still feeling a little frazzled from last night, like may8e I might throw up again if I 8 too much.  
Roxy: yeah i bet. well i wanna hear what happened but u got 2 shower n change out a them raggedy ass clothes  
Roxy: callie u wana help me get sum stuff together for her  
Calliope: oh yes! that soUnds like fUn.  
Roxy: dirk u mind keepin the new girl company  
June: oh, uhhh, th8t's really not necessar  
Dirk: It would be my pleasure.  
Roxy: sick  
Roxy: alrite callie lets do it

The two stand up and walk 8etween us, holding hands the whole way. I watch them pass, my eyeline landing on Dirk as they leave the kitchen. We stare at each other in silence for a while as Roxy and Callie cross to the other end of the trailer.

We hear a door close.

He just watches me.

My heart is pounding as I a8sently rub my neck. My nervousness is a8surd. O8viously. I retconned everything, there's no way he could remember it.

R8t?

June: so uh, what have you 8een up to, Dirk?  
Dirk: Nothing terribly interesting. I have projects underway, but they're largely for my own amusement.  
June: heh, yeah, that's uh,  
June: that's a mood alr8t.  
June: ha

Why won't he stop staring at me?

June: so you, um,  
June: have an appointment with Jane?  
June: that kinda 8lows that you can't just talk to her.  
Dirk: I suppose it is unfortunate, but that's what happens when you become the CEO of a gargantuan multinational entity. If a meeting isn't on the calendar, it isn't happening.  
June: yeah that m8kes sense I guess.  
June: what are you, uh,  
June: if you don't mind me asking, what are you talking to her a8out?  
Dirk: Just a few propositions concerning... you might call it ecological preservation.  
June: that's cool. never pegged you for a nature person.  
June: very cool.  
June: hah. um.

Silence between us again. Am I sweating? This is such a mundane conversation, it's fine, it's totally fine. Come on Eg8ert, pull yourself together.

Dirk: Yes, I suppose it is rather cool.  
Dirk: Hmmm.

My fists are white knuckled in my lap. I can't stop thinking about his expression 8ack in the forest, when he was weighing the possibility of decapit8ing me.

It wasn't emotional for him. It was calcul8ed. Like mathematical retribution. He didn't want revenge, he wanted to 8alance the scales. I can't help but wonder now if the whole thing was a performance.

I don't like that the memory of my trickster fugue is playing in the corners of my mind. The images are scattered and inconsistent, hard to understand. 8ut there are a few that are... painfully specific.

Dirk: So.  
Dirk: Are you pleased with yourself?

It's fine, don't panic, it's fine, don't p8nic, 8on't 8anic, st8y co8l

June: what, ahhaha,  
June: do you mean?  
June: I mean yes I am, uh,  
June: very satisfied with, the, erm,  
June: well, I am really happy to finally 8e, uhh  
Dirk: Let's not waste each other's time, June.  
Dirk: We both know why I'm here.

oh god he remembers oh fuck oh no

Perhaps he does. But perhaps he doesn't.

oh shit oh fuck I wait what?

It seems quite unlikely that Dirk would remember the events of the previous day. After all, the power of retcon is to unconditionally remove all trace of an event from the fabric of causal reality. That Dirk could possibly remember anything from a timeline which, functionally, never happened, is patently ridiculous.

Unless it isn't.

But surely it must be.

Regardless, the more prescient observation would be that Dirk has already demonstrated a certain capacity for what one might tenuously describe as metanarrative awareness. It would be far more likely to assume that Dirk simply couldn't help overhearing the panicked internal monolog of a young woman haunted by the blood that still stains her hands.

June: oh son of a 8itch.  
June: w8, daughter of a,  
June: whatever.  
June: Dirk I  
Dirk: You don't have to say anything. In fact, it's probably best if you say nothing at all.

June's thoughts are running in all directions amidst her encroaching terror. A weakness blooms like a crack growing larger with each passing second, threatening to shatter her into a million pieces. She wonders what he knows, how he could know, what he intends to do with what he knows. That last one in particular worries her the most.

When Dirk finally speaks, his voice is barely more than a whisper.

Dirk: Whatever you did exists now only as a hypothetical. Consider it a bit of petty wish fulfillment, if you like.  
Dirk: However you choose to process it, I think it's transparently obvious why you should keep these things a secret.  
Dirk: After all, one can't help but change their measure of a person after learning what they are truly capable of.  
Dirk: And something tells me you aren't interested in further alienating the people you love most.  
Dirk: My suggestion to you is that you take a close look at yourself, and reflect on the possibility that you have invited something into your life which may prove to be...  
Dirk: Irreconcilably hostile.  
Dirk: In any case, know one thing. And I really want you to hear this, because it's important.  
Dirk: I will be watching you, June Egbert.  
Dirk: Very closely.

She hears some shuffling as the bedroom door opens, sending a wave of relief down to the tips of her toes. In this moment she realizes how much of an imbecile Dirk would have to be if he tried to do anything in Roxy's own kitchen. That would be rude.

Which means, of course, that June was perfectly safe this entire conversation. Knowing this, she's starting to feel awfully silly for working herself into such a panic. 

Roxy: yo juney get back here n get yer stink ass in the shower  
Roxy: dirk u wana stick around a bit  
Roxy: think me n callie was about 2 watch some family matters reruns.  
Dirk: Thank you Roxy, but unfortunately I have to get back home.

He looks at June pointedly, emphasizing the innuendo of his next words.

Dirk: You know what they say about idle hands.

Dirk slips off the counter and walks out of the kitchen, thus politely relinquishing his control of the narrative.

motherfuckermotherfuckermotherfuckermotherfuck

the front door closes and Dirk's footsteps fade away down the street. I deflate. hands are trem8ling. when was the last time I 8reathed? my heart is pounding in my ears. whatever life that Life and pancakes gave me may as well have evacuated alongside my soul, 8ecause what just happened was the worst kind of out of 8ody experience.

I can't 8elive that fucking nerd. I can't 8elieve I couldn't say anything.

His words are bouncing around in my he8d. Hostile. Hostile. H8stile. That's defin8ly the word for my demeanor these last few days, isn't it?

When Roxy pokes her head around the corner, I try to hide the tears that are forming in the corners of my eyes.

Roxy: come on june wtf u waitin for  
June: uhh, sorry.  
June: just.  
June: I'm a little strung out.  
Roxy: yeh well a showerll fix u rite up  
Roxy: come ooooooooon  
Roxy: shit thats ten os  
Roxy: june yr a treasure n i support u but this number shits gotta go  
Roxy: cept "8nt"  
Roxy: im keepin that one

I get up from the table to follow Roxy through the living room and down the hall to the bathroom. Inside, Callie is giddily sorting through a surprisingly large coat rack's worth of clothes.

Roxy: ta da  
Roxy: hows that for a magic trick  
Calliope: roxy wanted to give yoU an overlarge variety of options to choose from, bUt i encoUraged her to be a bit more selective! i think yoU will find that i have cUltivated a beaUtifUlly complementary palette for yoUr needs.  
Roxy: hell yeah bet u didnt know ur friend the cherub was a fuckin fashionista  
Roxy: alrite callie lets give her some space  
Roxy: if you need somethin just yell ok juney?  
June: yeah, th8nk you.

Callie and I trade places, and they shut the door 8ehind them. I stand still for a moment, listening as they plop on to the couch together and turn on the tv. They crank the volume as loud as it'll go, and I honestly have no idea if it's to give me a sense of privacy or if they always have it that way.

When it's clear that they are not listening in on me, that I am really alone, I crumble to the floor and so8 into the shag carpet oh god what did I do what did I do what have I done what did I do why would I do that what the FUCK is wrong with me what did I do what did I dO WHAT DID I 8O WH8T D8D I my hands dig into my hair as I try not to scream 8ecause it's just, it's too much, it's too much, every single fuck8ng thing is too much.

Would it 8e Heroic if I killed myself? 8ecause I am clearly a villain.

I have done reprehensi8le things, things only a 8ad guy would do. 8ad girl? Let's go with monster. I am a monster who hurts people. I am drowned ear to ear in impulse and anger and a near infinite a8ility to do whatever I want.

I try to think, no, yesterday isn't real. It may as well not 8e real. It didn't happen to them anymore. It only happened to me. 8ut I wonder, I can't help wondering, would, could I, is it possible that I might do it again? I mean if it happened once, it could happen again couldn't it?

Is this just who I 8m now????????

And not only that, now I've got nerd bro DIRK riding my ass, playing mind g8mes and holding me hostage. If he's watching all the time then that means, what, he's tallying up my sins like fuck8ng anime santa claus?? How long until he decides the risk is too much, until I cross some invisi8le line in the sand and wake up de8d? Or WORSE???

Jeez, I'm really fucked.

I 8m so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so FUCKED.

I am...

sigh.

I'm going to take a shower.

\----

The room is full of steam when I shut off the faucet. Dirk wasn't exactly 8eing literal about the blood on my hands, 8ut there was more than none on me that's now on its way down the drain. Despite everything on my mind, I do feel a lot 8etter now that I'm rid of the sweat, dirt, and residual marsh mallow (which was apparently on my face this entire god damn time which is just, I mean, wow, I will 8e having embarrassment flash8acks about that for the rest of my LIFE).

I go to the sink and wipe the fog off the mirror, and I see...

I see John.

I see John fucking Eg8ert.

This whole time I've felt so different, so me, 8ut this is what I looked like?? No wonder they didn't take me seriously. I wouldn't take me seriously!!!!!!!!

What is the point of any of this? I'll never look like her. I'll never 8e her. June is a fantasy. June's a pointless fucking headc8non. I'm just a delusional

8reathe.

Just breathe.

It's okay. I'm okay.

One step at a time.

I run some hot water from the tap and let the sink fill up while I pull a disposable razor and a can of barbasol from my sylladex. Never leave home unprepared. That's what dad taught me.

I've done my entire face three times before I am really satisfied that the stubble is as gone as it's going to be, and honestly it helps. Not a lot, of course, I mean I still feel... wrong? 8ut at least it's not as present as it was. For now.

My hair is a wet, tangled mess. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with any of it. Flipping through Callie's clothes selection I just feel so overwhelmed. It's dresses, skirts, flowery blouses, all in milky pastels. Cute stuff, 8ut it isn't me. At least, I don't think it is?

With no small amount of shame, I try a dress just out of curiosity. The fit isn't the worst, which I would expect from clothes conjured out of nothing explicitly for me, 8ut it does sag a bit in the, ahh, chest area.

Regarding myself in the mirror I just look...

I just feel...

I look like a fucking clown.

As I hang the dress 8ack up I realize my hands are trembling and I NO ARE YOU SERIOUS AM I RE8LLY CRYING AGAIN THIS IS SO DUM8

I just, I want these clothes to 8e me. I want them to open my eyes. I want to feel like... I want to 8elieve that I can be...

All they reveal is who I'm not.

I'm sitting on the floor again, back against the little cabinet 8elow the sink. Cradling my legs, chin perched 8etween my knees.

What am I going to do? I love Roxy and Callie 8ut they aren't... well, they can only help me so much. They can 8e supportive, 8ut they can't really understand. I could call Jade and get her to pick out some... no, she doesn't want to hear from me. I can't face her right now. May8e Kanaya would make something cute for me, she's always

Kanaya: IM GOING TO CUT YOU IN HA

I close my eyes and try really, really hard not to remem8er that. It didn't happen. I mean it happened, 8ut it didn't happen. It's really not that different from when I tried to retcon myself 8ack onto the ship to keep Jade from 8eing alone. Every time I did THAT it ended tragically! It's not like this is the first time I'm shouldering retcon related post traumatic guilt. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. Keep saying that and it will 8ecome true. Just don't think a8out it. Just don't think a8out it. Just don't...

just don't.

...

what the fuck 8m I doing?

My whole life has just 8een one thing after another that I tried desper8ly not to think about. It's too much, it's too painful, too traumatic. I can't deal with it. I can't face the truth, it's too difficult.

Why couldn't I face it?

What is it that always holds me 8ack and keeps me standing in one place when I should 8e sprinting somewhere else? What is this fear? What is this guilt? What the fuck am I DOING???

There's no putting this cat 8ack in the 8ag. The cat's gone. The bag's shredded.

If I were the cat, would I WANT to go back in the 8ag? Of course not. The bag sucks. The bag's a fuckin shitty place full of lame memories that just remind me how much time I've wasted sitting around pretending I didn't have it in me to really think a8out this stuff.

Fuck it. Let's think about this stuff.

I killed them. I killed Dave. I killed Rose. I killed Jade. I killed Jane. I killed hundreds of people 8y toppling a sky scraper with a single punch. Which is o8jectively awesome. That's a pretty god damn cool thing to have done, when taken out of context. In context it is defin8ly a heckin murder palooza, 8ut-

No. No pretending. I killed people. Yes I was drunk, yes I was trickster mode, yes I was angry. 8ut I think in this case, Dirk was right. What I did IS wh8t I wanted to do.

And I think what I'm really trying to avoid thinking is that... I wanted to do it 8ecause they deserved it.

They fucking deserved it.

I don't mean in a literal sense that they deserved to die for 8eing kinda shitty to me one time. That's cartoonishly excessive. I just mean that...

Here I am. ME. I AM HERE. I'm telling my own story. And they're acting like it's an inconvenience. They're acting like I don't know what I'm talking a8out.

And it makes me angry. It's disappointing. It's frustr8ing.

And sometimes...

Sometimes when you're frustr8ed you just want to kill a motherfucker.

Okay, yes, this is dangerous moral territory I'm walking in to here. I'm not saying I was justified in doing it. I'm not saying I did nothing wrong. That's some Vriska shit and I know I'm 8asically half her at this point, 8ut I don't want to fuck around with the idea that I'm infallible.

...8ut on the other hand.

I did it.

I undid it.

And it was fine.

The only person who has to live with that is me. And I guess Dirk too, 8ut fuck that guy.

It's not that I want to do anything like that again. I don't. I don't want to hurt my friends. No matter how much they might piss me off sometimes, I don't w8nt to hurt my friends. To feel otherwise would 8e truly unhinged. That's not what I am.

What I need to recognize is that I did it 8ecause I was afraid to think that I wanted to do it. As angry as I was, as much as I stood up for myself and yelled and did the windy thing in Rose's parlor, I was still ignoring many colors from the magnificent rainbow of emotions I am now 8lessed with. I was pretending that most of that rain8ow isn't the color of spilled blood.

Here is the truth:

I am a menagerie of conflict.

I am a person who has lived most of my life not just refusing to act on my desires, 8ut refusing to admit that I had any su8stantive desires in the first place.

And at the same time, I am a person who desired everything, and who had no hesitation in doing whatever it took to get it. Even if it meant hurting people she cared a8out. Even if it meant killing them.

Put those people together, you get June.

You get me.

I can't pretend that I am anything else. I can't AFFORD to pretend that I am anything else. 8ecause for better or worse, when the John in me tries to lock something away, the Vriska in me wants to turn that thing into a weapon. And if I'm not careful, I'll just end up turning those weapons on everyone. I'll keep hurting people, keep driving them away, keep making myself angrier and angrier, more disappointed that THEY can't see what I see. And eventually, I'll do something stupid. I'll kill some8ody I don't really want dead. And 8efore I can retcon it, someone will put a knife in my heart. Then my Just death will leave 8ehind nothing 8ut tragedy.

Let's 8e really god damn real, here.

I want to be remem8ered. There was a time when I wanted to disappear, but now the very thought offends me. I refuse that concept altogether.

The choice I need to make is this:

What will I 8e remembered for?

Or perhaps more accur8ly:

Who will I be remembered as?

My hands idly trip open the sink cabinet, and I look inside to find an electric hair trimmer.

It's time to make a choice, June. It's time for me to make a choice.

\----

Roxy is dozing off in Calliope's lap, and Callie has their arm on her shoulder. Canned studio laughter fills the room as famed television funny man Jaleel White stumbles his way through even more hilarious comedy hijinks. Oh, I know this one! This is the thrilling season 9 finale, where Steve Urkel 8uilt a death ray and has it aimed at downtown Chicago. But uh oh! Looks like Diane Urkel has fallen ill from exposure to the death ray's radio active core. Officer Carl Winslow (played by the ever mysterious Reginald VelJohnson) has his gun pointed at young Steven as he relays the news of his mother's hospitalization, and tells the mirthful prankster that he needs to stop his nefarious designs before anyone else gets hurt. Urkel, without missing a 8eat, mugs into the camera and says that most famous of catch phrases: "Oops! Did I do that?" The audience eats it up, bursting into a song of cheers and applause. As the din goes quiet, Steven snaps his suspenders and launches into a monolog about the evils of man and the systemic oppression of individuality under capitalism. I always kinda zone out at this part, honestly, it's kinda weird and doesn't really fit the tone of the show? 8ut at the end of it, just as Carl pleads one last time with the young boy he's watched grow up across nine compelling seasons of television not to commit an act of bald faced terrorism, Steve Urkel reaches for the 8ig red 8utton. Fingers a few meager inches away from the mechanism which will see the utter annihilation of the most populous city in the American midwest, a gunshot rings out. The crowd gasps! A lilting piano etude signals the credits, 8egging us to ask pro8ing philosophical questions 8oth of ourselves and our society (which is the mark of any good syndicated network sitcom from the 1990's). A last title card reads TO 8E CONTINUED, but of course it never was. The executives at CBS, only recently in control of the property, elected not to renew Family Matters for a tenth season, making for one of the most controversial and scrutinized cliff hangers in the history of television.

As the the station goes to an oddly quiet commercial, Calliope stretches their arms in a yawn, then glances over in my direction. Callie lets out a surprised yelp and immediately covers their mouth with both hands, eyes astonishingly wide.

Roxy: yo whats up how long was i out  
Roxy: did we find out urkels thing w the enriched uranium or what

Callie frantically taps Roxy's shoulder and points in my direction.

Roxy: what is it callie whats  
Roxy:  
Roxy:  
Roxy:  
Roxy: yo

Red cons. Dark blue jeans. Grey jacket, arms torn off. Black long sleeve shirt with a cerulean emblem mixing Breath and Light, arms rolled up. New glasses with big, round frames. Head shaved completely bald, except for the thick line of hair running down the center of my scalp to the nape of my neck that falls softly to one side.

Roxy: wtf  
Calliope: oh my goodness.

I bite my lip and sort of shrivel up. 

June: do you, uh,  
June: do you like it?  
June: it felt like a good idea at the time 8ut I'm worried it looks kinda silly  
Roxy: BITCH STFU  
Roxy: UR A FUCKIN ICON

She shoots up off the couch to get a closer look at me, Callie following close 8ehind. She asks me to do a turn and whistles.

Roxy: damn grl where tf u even get these duds  
Calliope: yes, i don't believe there was anything remotely like this in the selection we picked oUt for yoU!  
June: yeah um.  
June: I really appreci8 the gesture and everything and like, I dunno, may8e that kinda stuff will fit me 8etter eventually?  
June: 8ut right now it just makes me feel shitty.  
June: so I uh,  
June: haha, I used my retcon to go out and get an ensem8le that was more...  
June: me.  
Roxy: yo  
Roxy: YO YO YO  
Roxy: WTF IS THAT A TATTOO  
June: oh, uhhhhhhhh  
June: yeah I uh,  
June: I retconned that too.

I'm blushing as the two of them look at the words that are inked into my arm just 8elow my shoulder. It's like I'm an art o8ject or something, which is... actually kind of gr8?

It's not very 8ig, it was my first tattoo and I was pretty afr8d of the pain. And it was defin8ly painful! 8ut it was also... well,

I have learned that sometimes pain is good.

Roxy: what wild hair flew across ur ass u pull sum shit like this  
Calliope: i woUld like to know this as well!  
June: well it's like, I dunno.  
June: I have a pr8y terrifying power. the retcon thing is... it's a lot.  
June: speaking of which, I'm sorry, 8ut I uh. I don't want to tell you what happened yesterday.  
June: don't ask why, I know you deserve answers after everything you've done for me 8ut it's...  
June: I dunno.  
June: I dunno.  
June: point is, I lost control of myself in a 8ig way.  
June: and I don't want to do that again.  
June: so I decided to get a reminder that whatever else I might do...  
June: the things that happen to me will stick around.  
June: haha, does that, uh... does that make sense?  
June: gosh it seems kinda dum8 when I say it out loud.  
Roxy: no juney this is  
Roxy: this is  
Calliope: this is oUtrageoUs! this isn't yoU! this is jUst vriska bUt with somehow an even WORSE attitUde!  
Calliope: all those gorgeous clothes i picked oUt for yoU and this is what yoU wear?  
Roxy: woah callie lets not  
June: no, it's ok.  
June: you're right, Callie. I'm taking more than a few pointers from my, uh... my patron troll, haha.  
June: it feels right for now, 8ut may8e I'll grow out of it. I dunno!  
June: 8ut I'll never figure out who I am if I don't reach for who I want to 8e.  
June: and, uh,  
June: ni8s on the ta8le?  
June: I really wanted to 8e Vriska.  
June: heh, it's... I guess it's kind of sad, but it's the 8est I've got.  
Calliope: no...  
Calliope: no, it's not sad. i apologize for my oUtbUrst. it was inappropriate and, i sUppose now that the initial shock has worn off, i can see how this ensemble might have appeal.  
Roxy: look at u bein all mature n shit  
Roxy: june you 8nt gotta xplain urself to me or any1  
Roxy: first club u go 2 all the girls r gonna flip their fuckin lids  
Roxy: straight up waterfall if u no what im sayin  
Calliope: ROXY!  
June: wow, that's,  
June: not exactly what I was after! 8ut I'll take the compliment anyway.  
June: so uh,  
June: I think I'm gonna split? there's some stuff I want to take care of.  
Roxy: hell yeah u do u  
Roxy: just remember were always here for u if u need anythin  
Roxy: u got a bad habit a lockin urself up in empty houses n i just dont want u thinkin ur alone  
June: thank you so much, Roxy, but,  
June: I really don't think that will 8e a pro8lem anymore.  
Roxy: word but just in case u backslide or some shit  
Calliope: i think oUr friend has proven herself a tremendoUsly independent individUal tonight, roxy! i'm sUre we can trUst that if worse comes to worst, she will make the right decision.  
Calliope: isn't that right, jUne?  
June: oh yeah.  
June: that's so right it's crimin8l.

\----

It's mid after noon on this particular summer day. Not quite as hot as it could be, 8ut with the sun over head it's starting to feel a little warm. He's almost home now after the long walk from Roxy's trailer. On any other day he would have flown himself back, but something in the air made him want to enjoy the stroll. Dirk comes to a stop on the sidewalk leading up to his house, noticing an odd itch in the 8ack of his mind like something isn't quite right. 

June: hey Dirk.  
June: how do you like my tattoo?

He turns his head towards me just in time to catch a punch square in the center of his face. 8lood gushes out of his 8roken nose. I lean into a 8ig, o8vious swing he intends to dodge, then zap 8ehind him and complete the 8low just under his ri8s. He turns and tries to grapple me, 8ut I zap behind him again and el8ow smash the 8ack of his head. I'm not much of a fisticuffs gal, 8ut that 8ecomes surprisingly irrelevant when you can disappear and reappear anywhere you like, at any time, as often as you please.

Dirk wants to fight 8ack, but he's disoriented. 8lood is on his glasses, making it even harder to see as I zap around and deliver punch after punch from every direction at a rapid and dizzying pace. In a moment of desperation, he pulls a katana from his sylladex and tries for a mortal thrust.

I zap just a little to the right so his sword sails harmlessly by, and we bump chests. Then I catch his sword swinging arm under my arm breaking arm. So, yeah. That's when I 8reak his fucking arm.

Despite himself, Dirk screams out in pain. Was that a crack in the cool kid's ironic armor? Wow, perhaps he isn't the stoic he used to 8e. His sword tum8les out of his hand and sticks into the ground all cool-like. Neat!

I kick him in the stomach. Hard. 8ut not as hard as I could have! Certainly not as hard as he kicked me. Dirk hits the side of his house and falls to his knees. I take his sword in my right hand and approach the 8loodied Strider with the calm of a god damn monk, gra8 him 8y the front of his shirt, and zap us into the open mouth of a fucking volcano.

Some forty feet 8elow us is a screaming lake of magma whose orange light is the only illumination in this distant corner of the world. It's a lot warmer in here, isn't it? I pin him against the hard, hot stone, and then I put the sword to his throat.

June: I've been thinking a8out what you said 8ack at Roxy's place, and I realized that the whole thing was a little...  
June: one sided.  
June: so I figured, hey, why not gra8 my good buddy Dirk and let him know MY opinion on the whole thing?  
June: I'm not going to lie to you, you had me kinda spooked. you really know how to put on an intimid8ing face!  
June: and far 8e it from me to underestim8 a Strider's threat.  
June: so I took your advice and did a 8it of reflecting.   
June: and it struck me that the whole point of your little display,  
June: you know, sitting on the counter, leading me on, letting me work myself into a panic,  
June: all of that was to intimid8 me.  
June: and I asked myself, why on Earth C would Dirk Strider of all people feel like he needs to intimid8 ME?  
June: I mean, who am I? up until a few days ago, he seemed perfectly happy pretending I didn't even exist!  
June: and then I realized, the only reason he could possi8ly have for doing such a thing is 8ecause he knows that I'm a threat.  
June: which means that... on some level, HE'S actually afr8d of ME.  
June: and I thought, well, that's no good, I don't want people to think that I'm a loose cannon. what ever would the n8bors say????????  
June: 8ut then I realized that...  
June: well,  
June: a loose cannon is actually exactly what I am.  
June: I think you're right to 8e afr8d of me, Dirk. 8ecause I am dangerous.  
June: the old me was pro8a8ly the best person to get retcon powers, 8ecause I was nothing if not agreea8ly passive.  
June: I was a sad, hollow, fragile person whose power existed in direct proportion to my complete disinterest in wielding it.  
June: and that m8 me safe. easy to control. easy to manipul8.  
June: and as I was reflecting on all of this, it occurred to me that you might 8e laboring under the assumption that that person, that old me,   
June: was, in some way, the "essential" version.  
June: that "June" is the anomaly, and "John,"  
June: ugh,  
June: that "John" is the real person who needs to 8e saved and restored.  
June: so I thought it might 8e a good idea to nip that one right in the 8ud and really set the record str8.

I lean in so close I can smell his swe8t. I make sure to press this stupid fucking strip mall katana just a little harder into his skin. A thin line of 8lood curls down the 8lade and drips on to my shoes.

It 8lends in perfectly.

June: you can watch me all you like.  
June: you can shadow me in the streets, peek through the windows when I'm watching tv, stand 8ehind me in the shower.  
June: you can even read my thoughts if it really makes you happy.  
June: I honestly don't mind, Dirk. in fact, the thought of it 8rings a delightful spark of joy to my gay little heart.  
June: 8ecause the fact is,

And I really hope you're listening, 8ecause this is important.

June: no matter how close you are,  
June: no matter how ready you think you might be...  
June: if I RE8LLY wanted to start some shit?  
June: there's not a fucking thing you could do to stop me.

Just like that, we're back on the street outside Dirk's house. I let go of his shirt and straighten out the wrinkles. A little too late, he realizes how insulting the gesture is and tries to swat my hands away, 8ut the motion causes him to stum8le to the ground from the pain of his 8roken arm.

I 8ack off a couple paces. Take a deep breath. Let it out in a quick and contented sigh. There's some beautiful clouds floating above us right now. Still a few hours of good sun light ahead. Nice temperature, a pleasant 8reeze.

It's a good day to smile and thank the a8yss for every misera8le thing it's done to make us who we are.

June: the good news is, I don't want to start some shit.  
June: I just want to live my life.  
June: so as long as you stay out of my way, you've got nothing to 8e afraid of.

Dirk finally manages to look up, and he sees me from top to 8ottom as I toss the sword on to his lawn. He's grimacing a 8it, but I won't hazard a guess at what he's thinking. That would 8e rude.

Then he sees it. As I examine my 8ruised knuckles, the full body of my fresh tattoo is visible to him. And it's just three words:

SET IN STONE.

June looks at Dirk pointedly, emphasizing the innuendo of her next words.

June: reflect on TH8T, you anime lookin motherfucker.

And when June zaps away, she doesn't relinquish control of the narrative at all. She's only just getting st8rted.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun is setting on the consort suburbs. Golden light makes the houses into cut outs against the sky. The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, the halls of a home exposed by a door left open. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

This is the house I grew up in. It's hard to 8elieve it hasn't even been a week since Jade dragged me out of there, 8ecause it feels like a lifetime ago. I thought I wouldn't be afr8d anymore, coming back... but here I am, and it still feels like a mausoleum.

The dead in those walls aren't the 8odies of people I used to know. They're the memories of a fractured person. A nostalgic kid, stuck in a moment for too many years and terrified to look for a way out.

Hands in my vest pockets. Shoulders bunched up. I rolled my sleeves down a little while ago when a chill blew past me. Weather on Earth C has always 8een more poetic than natural. Sometimes, when it's appropri8, it just gets a 8it chilly in summer.

Do I go in?

What would I even do in there? What do I hope to find? It's just another house.

Of course I know th8t it isn't true.

My phone dings, and my stomach drops as I read the text.

Jade: hey june can we talk?  
Jade: please

I should t8lk to her.

I need to talk to her.

8ut the truth is, I don't want to talk to anyone. I've had precious little time to myself l8ly, which seems like a 8ad idea given everything that's happened. What I want is to... well, I'm not really sure WHAT I want. W8nting anything at all is a feeling I'm not used to. It's like there was a thread le8ding away from my house as I grew up, 8ut now it's taut and pulling me somewhere for the first time. All I can do is follow it. What I want is to know what I w8nt, and I think that means 8eing patient and paying attention.

Some questions need to marin8. 

8ut then again... maybe that's pride talking. May8e I don't want to talk to her because I don't want to apologize. I don't want to have to apologize. I don't want to force a hollow apology. I don't want to lie just so we can 8e friends again. No, that can't be it, that's so mean

you can't look away from these thoughts anym8re, June. come on, you know this. just say the thing. I need to just s8y that  I'm not sorry. I don't want to apologize 8ecause I did nothing wrong. The offense is a result of poor execution, which I freely admit to. 8ut I mean come on, cut me a 8r8k!! You try mind melding with an alien psychop8th and see how long it takes to lose your t8mp8r!!!

yup, that's... that's vriska talking.

But can I really 8lame it on her? It's not like she's here. I'm not a car with two drivers wrestling for control, even if it feels like th8t sometimes.

Jeez, 8eing alive is complicated! Why can't I just h8ve a chill night in and watch some shitty movies? That would be very nice. Let's just do th8t.

June: I don't know if that's a good idea r8 now.  
June: sorry.

I put my phone back in my pocket and turn to walk away. I'll find somewhere else to sleep tonight. May8e there's a consort somewhere with a b8d movie selection and an empty guest 8edroom or something. I'm a god, after all, it's not like they won't recognize me. Or... may8e they won't what with all the, let's call it f8shion. Fashiona8le is a good word for what I am right now. So hip I could 8e a prosthetic repl8cement for an old person. So with it you couldn't even tell where it stopped and I 8egan. Hot to trot like a horse in summer! So cool I've never even BEEN to school!!!!

pop.

I look behind me and see Jade in the street looking around wildly as she approaches the open door of my place. Alr8 quick just zap away and she won't see m her head turns in my direction DAMN IT and she runs towards me with her hand up.

Jade: june, wait!!!!

My knuckles hurt as I clench my hands. I hestit8. I don't want to talk to her, 8ut I can't help feeling a pang of heart ache seeing her here. Seeing my sister's face. oh no I am going to cry again today aren't I?

Okay, well, it's too l8 to run off now. Jade comes to a stop just a few feet away, looking angry and sad and confused all at once. Searching for the right words. O8viously taken aback 8y my new look.

June: hey there, J8.  
June: I,  
June: hey.  
Jade: hi...  
Jade: how are,  
Jade: how are you?  
June: um,

What a fucking question, r8? Like. How do you even answer something like that after the week I've had? I could go down the list of emotions I've felt in just the last six hours and we'd still 8e here all night. How do you tell someone how you feel a8out having killed them in a rage-fueled sugar rush in a timeline that never happened? You don't! O8viously!!!!!!!!

Inhale.

Okay, list of wants, let's go:

1\. I w8nt to be remem8ered.  
2\. I w8nt some people to 8e afr8 of me.  
3\. I don't w8nt Jade to 8e one of them.

That's a good list. Solid. May8e a little  hostile UGH I can't even THINK that word with8ut he8ring it in Dirk's dum8 fucking voice. 8uuuuuuuut like, that second one did just kinda c8me right out, huh? I feel like that should 8e a lot more al8rming to me than it is!! Let's just file it away that I need to figure out a few things to add to the list so it doesn't look like a m8nifesto.

Exhale.

For now, let's work on w8nt number three.

It's funny how at peace I am. A little nervous may8e, 8ut it's hard to work up a lot of fear over a conversation when you've just come a few inches away from 8eing decapit8ed by a nerd in a tank top.

Heh, "nerd." That's what everyone used to call me! We're all nerds, honestly. Really isn't much of an insult when you think a8out it.

Inhale.

I can tell the sun is dipping just 8elow the horizon now. The last shafts of light filling the air are falling away, leaving only the sourceless glow of the darkening sky. Jade is looking at me. She's taller than I am, 8ut she looks so small. Covers her mouth, squeezes her fingers. W8ing for me to say something. W8ting. waiting.

waiting...

look at us. always w8ing for someone to make the first move.

Nothing I can say will be anything she w8nts to hear. D8ve has seen enough dead Daves that he'd proba8ly think it was funny and Rose would just cock her he8d and somehow make it a8out a phallic fix8ion OR that's what they WOULD say if they weren't throwing a FIT a8out my god d8mn GENDER

Exhale.

If my one go8l here is to make sure she isn't afr8 of me, then maybe the only good option is to make her h8 me.

I turn my back to her walk away.

Jade: june!  
Jade: JUNE!!!!  
Jade: WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME??????

I could 8sk you the same thing, Jade.

Suddenly she's in front of me, and 8efore I can do anything else she slaps me so hard across the face that my glasses fly off into the street.

Inhale. Let yours8lf 8e angry and then let it slide. Don't retali8. Don't reta

Jade: i get i fucked up june but you dont get to do this to me!! >:o  
Jade: ignoring me? ghosting me??? what the hell is wrong with you??????????  
Jade: its the worst feeling in the world sitting around wondering whether or not someone hates you and not knowing if sending a message is just going to make them hate you more  
Jade: is it better or worse to give you space?? i dont know! i dont know and thats the one thing im supposed to know everything about!!!!  
Jade: honestly june i cant think of anything worse you could do me than letting me think you just don't care about me anymore  
Jade: and this is just  
Jade: this is so like you!!  
Jade: when conflict comes up you avoid it at all costs and you tell yourself that its because you dont want to make things worse but really you just dont want to have a hard conversation!  
Jade: you think hiding from conflict saves everyone trouble but it just makes us all miserable!!!!!

is she,

is she really saying...

that I'm conflict 8verse? 

Pffffffff

hahahahahahahaha! oh gosh, has she MET me l8ly?

Jade: BARK BARK!!! >:(  
Jade: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME  
Jade: THIS ISNT FUNNY  
Jade: THIS ISNt funny  
Jade: this isnt funny...

oh,

oh shit, she HASN'T met me l8ly th8t's the whole point!!

and,

is she even really wrong? isn't th8t exactly wh8 I'm doing?

Jade: is that all i am  
Jade: a joke  
Jade: is that why everyone forgets about me  
Jade: is that...  
Jade: is that why you dont need me anymore

Exhale.

Okay, this is a 8ad feeling. This FEELS bad. I do not like 8eing mean. It's just m8king me feel worse.

ch8nge of plans. I am going to 8e honest. SELECTIVELY h8nest.

Inhale.

June: Jade...

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, and even without my glasses the look of pure desper8ion on her face stops me cold. 

Jade: please tell me what i have to do  
Jade: please help me make it right  
Jade: i cant lose you again  
Jade: i dont want to lose you  
Jade: just  
Jade: just tell me

Exhale.

is this... is this really what she thinks she has to do? is that the effect I'm having on her?

I'm such 8 fucking idiot.

A street light comes on overhead as the sky dips into a near 8lack twilight. Stars are peaking through the veil of the atmosphere. It's only getting colder down here on Earth C.

June: Jade...  
June: can you play 8ack everything you just said to me in your head?  
June: just, rerun the whole convers8ion real quick.  
June: because I think it should scare you a little.  
June: I know it kinda scares me.  
June: you're talking to me like a kicked dog begging for approval.  
June: you're talking to me like I'm the only thing 8etween you and...  
June: you, I guess.  
Jade: :(  
June: you did fuck up a little, Jade, and,  
June: yeah I've 8een kinda pissed about it.  
June: but I don't want you to...  
June: you shouldn't,  
June: sigh.

Inhale.

stop hesit8ing. just get it over with.

I step close to Jade and pull her into a hug. She seems surprised, her whole body is tense and she doesn't know wh8t to do with her arms. 8ut then it's like she melts. Arms all the way around my back, squeezing hard like she never w8nts to let go. 8uries her face in my shoulder and weeps. The emotion is contagious.

yup, there it is. I'm crying again. is this what 8eing a girl is like? crying all the god d8mn time???

maybe it's just what 8eing me is like.

June: I'm sorry, Jade.  
Jade: im sorry too june  
June: I'm still figuring my shit out and I have a lot of conflicting emotions right now and,  
June: I don't know, I guess I'm having a hard time separ8ing how I want to behave from what's realistic 8ehavior to expect from other people.  
June: the last couple days have 8een,  
June: haha ha ahhhaha,  
June: oh god!  
June: they've been a dog damn fucking nightmare, Jade, and,  
June: I just,  
June: I don't want to hurt you.  
June: I don't w8nt to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.  
June: 8ut when you all but get on your knees and beg me to forgive you, I...  
June: if that's how you think of me, Jade,  
June: if you think I get to choose whether or when you get to feel ok...  
June: then you should drop me like a piece of garb8ge and find a friend who respects you.

Exhale.

She pulls away from our em8race and lands her arms on my shoulders. We look at each other. I'm having a hard time reading her expression without my glasses now that things have softened a 8it.

Jade: june i  
Jade: youre not  
Jade: ...  
Jade: awoo :(  
June: heh.  
June: awoo seems a8out right.  
June: hold on just a sec.

I slip out from under her arms and scour the ground for my glasses. Just as I'm a8out to declare them lost forever, Jade levit8s the dang things right back on to my face.

June: oh! Witch of Space saves the day again.  
June: ::::)  
Jade: can i ask you a question june  
June: of course!  
Jade: what the fuck is this ensemble????  
Jade: what happened to your HAIR??????????  
Jade: are you DYING??  
Jade: this is NUTS!!!!

Inhale. It's ok8y. don't 8low up. everything is f8ne.

June: yeah it's,  
June: defin8ly what I look like now, hah.  
Jade: did you cut those sleeves yourself? they look awful!!!!!  
Jade: we should get you to kanaya so she can actually make you look like a person!  
June: ohhhh um, I don't think she, really,  
June: wants to see my r8 now.  
Jade: oh  
Jade: oh yeah that makes sense huh  
Jade: oops :x

I a8sently kick a pebble and shove my hands into my pockets.

June: so you...  
June: you really think it looks bad?  
Jade: oh june no i think it looks  
Jade: listen im not into the whole "heck society heck the cops heck social norms" aesthetic so thats where im coming from  
Jade: but who cares what i think?  
Jade: how do YOU feel????  
June: oh, uh,  
June: can I 8e really honest with you?  
Jade: OF COURSE!!!!!! :D  
June: I feel pre8y fucking powerful.  
Jade: then that's all that matters!! 

Exhale.

It's full night now. Two days ago, I stepped outside someone else's house at the encour8gement of a friend and wound up changing my entire life. Jade is right. How I feel is all that matters when "I" is still a ne8ulous concept.

There's a weird noise a8ove us. Sounds like a... jet engine? Weird. May8e it's a CrockerCorp thing.

June: look at us. two 8eans in a 8od, working out our grievances like adults!  
June: is it weird that I'm proud of us? like, d8mn, we just worked through some stuff.  
Jade: im proud of us too!!  
Jade: so do you want to go somewhere and  
Jade: hold on

She looks up and cocks her head curiously. I follow her gaze and see... what is that, a contrail?

something's not right. no it's fine. no but something's not r8. I'm just 8eing paranoid 8ut something's not

Inhale. This is just gonna 8e a normal, peaceful night with my norm8l, pe8ceful sister. 

Jade: thats a sound i havent heard in a gods age  
June: yeah it's weird, huh? hearing pl8nes again?  
Jade: well there werent many planes that flew over my island but i know it from a bunch of movies where the guy watches his ex leave!   
June: oh yeah that is 8 thing, isn't it?  
Jade: yeah its  
Jade: this is super weird  
June: it's pro8a8ly nothing!!!  
June: we should go somewhere else and not p8y attention to  
Jade: its getting closer  
Jade: wait  
Jade: LOOK OUT

Jade pushes me out of the way as a 8ig fuckin THING collides with the ground where she stood and I can't see her anywhere oh ple8se I really dont want to have to do that whole fucking convers8ion again also way more import8nt I don't want my SISTER to be HURT! O8viously!!

There's a figure kneeling on cracked asphalt 8mid the settling dust, 8ig red jetpack strapped to their 8ack.

oooohh those glasses. OOOHHHHHHHH THAT C8NE.

Exhale. This could 8e fine. this is pro8a8ly defin8ly going to be just fine!!!!!

As she stands up and unclips the jetpack, it falls to the ground with a thud. She takes a 8ig, deep 8reath through her mouth. Then she turns her head in my direction.

Terezi: ALR1GHT JUN3  
Terezi: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S GO1NG ON

BIG FUCKIN INHALE why is she here this doesn't make sense i retconned everything those messages didnt no I'm 8eing paranoid she just decided to return for no re8son and she's just asking a friendly question in that tr8mark Terezi style just play it cool just play it

June: Terezi, you're 8ack! I'm so glad to see you, why didn't you tell me you were coming home?? Did you find Vrisk8

She splits her cane and reveals the two swords within oh gr8 we're doing this again this is just PERFECT I mean o8viously I was hurting for another person to thre8ten me!! Crimeny, is this what 8eing a girl is like??? Every day someone with a 8one to pick corners you in a moment of emotional vulnera8ility and draws a sword????????

Exhale. it's going to 8e fine we'll get through this just stay calm

Terezi: WH3R3'S J4D3  
June: she was standing r8 there, I don't  
Jade: bark!

Jade stands up from a bush and shakes the le8ves out of her hair.

Inhale. don't get m8d this is fine you're ok8y come on

Terezi takes another 8reath through her mouth and arcs her head in Jade's direction.

Terezi: 4R3 YOU OK4Y  
Terezi: WH4T H4PP3N3D??  
Jade: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
Jade: <:?  
June: leeeeeeeet's put the swords away please and just talk a8out what's h8ppening, why n8t?  
Jade: what is happening?  
June: nothing, o8viously, it's just 8  
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG TH4T  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU SOUND L1K3 VR1SK4  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU  
Terezi: >:[

She launches toward me in a 8lind fury and I really really really don't like it wh8n people do th8t no stay chill stay cool stay hip I zap 8eside her and grab one sword, she tries to hit me with the other and I zap to gra8 that one too and toss both of them in the 8ushes.

Terezi throws a punch that connects with my cheek, throwing my glasses off for the second time today.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exh8LE

INH8L8

8XH8L8!!!!!!!!

I retrieve the W8rhammer of Zillyhoo from my sylladex and sl8m it into her horizontally.

Now, the thing is, Terezi's 8een floating in paradox space for ye8rs now surviving on who knows what. I know this. She looks emaci8ed, practically feral. Her punch didn't even really hurt! 8ut I don't like being punched 8nd I couldn't h8lp myself.

When the hammer hits, I can hear bones in her arm and chest shatter like glass 8efore she flies through some poor consort's windohhhhh fuck oh shit I shouldn't have done that oops oops oops oops uhh

Jade: JUNE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?????

uh oh uh oh uh oh okay this is fine I can fix this I can fix this I can

ZAP 8ack to just after Terezi landed and 8efore she's scented me. I gra8 past me and cram her into a near8y garbage can don't know why she doesn't put up more of a fight hey what happened to the past me from when I retconned my murder spree did she like disappear or,

no no no no no no no no now's not the time, gotta focus.

Terezi: 4LR1GHT JUN3  
Terezi: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S GO1NG ON  
June: hold on so did you get my trickster messages? 8ecause I retconned all that, I don't get how you would  
Terezi: WH3R3'S J4D3  
June: she's fine!! totally alive and well in that 8ush r8 8ehind you!!!!!!!!   
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG TH4T  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU SOUND L1K3 VR1SK4  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU  
Terezi: >:[

oh god damn it here come the swords again please can we just not okay just INHALE and do this C8LMLY.

I repeat the same 8asic routine complete with the followup punch I forgot a8out and it still irks the shit out of me 8ut at least it doesn't send my glasses off 8ecause

wait my glasses got knocked off the first time 8ut then I retconned past me 8efore that happened, so now those glasses just don't exist anymore offspring of a 8ITCH

Terezi uppercuts me, and I see stars as I hit the ground. Shake my vision 8ack just in time to see her leaping towards me with her teeth 8ared and out of instinct I do the windy thiNG OH NO THAT IS A VERY 8AD THING I JUST DID THAT IS A LOT OF

ZAP 8ack again to right after I zapped back the first time. Immediately after second past me slam dunks first past me, I take their glasses, gra8 second past me, and slam dunk THEM!

Exh8le OK8Y that's one pro8lem solved. I can still s8ve this. 8ll things considered I'm 8ctually handling myself pretty well I th8nk!!

Terezi: 4LR1GHT JUN3  
Terezi: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S G  
June: they were trickster messages from a timeline that doesn't exist anymore J8's fine she's in the 8ush behind you  
Jade: bark!  
June: so just rel8x and definitely don't draw your swords and dou8le defin8ly don't attack me with them 8ecause I've 8een doing this bre8thing thing and I thought it w8s working 8ut apparently I'm not as cool he8ded as I thought I w8s and  
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG TH4T  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU SOUND L1K3 VR1SK4  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU  
Terezi: >:[  
June: AAAAAAAA COME ON WILL YOU PLE8SE JUST CHILL

Alright, third time's the charm, zap, zap, swords in a 8ush, dodge the punch this time, dodge the uppercut, zap like TEN FEET AWAY just to 8e completely safe from any more fuuuuuuuuking surPRISE ATT8CKS inhale inhale you're 8asically just wind in a 8ody 8ag and wind doesn't get 8ngry and it defIN8LY DOESN'T W8NT TO HURT ITS FRIENDS

June: TEREZI  
June: EVERYTHING IS F8NE  
June: PLE8SE STOP TRYING TO MURD8R ME  
Terezi: N3V3R  
June: WHY  
Terezi: B3C4US3 1'M P1SSED OFF 4ND 1 N33D TO M4K3 SOM3ON3 3LS3 HURT SO 1 F33L B3TT3R  
June: ...huh.  
June: mood.  
Jade: ENOUGH!!!!

Jade appears in the space 8etween me and Terezi, holding her arms towards 8oth of us. yes this is good exhale she's defusing tension this is 8 good sign

Jade: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW  
Terezi: SOM3TH1NG TH4T ST1NKS OF V1LL41NY  
Jade: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN  
Terezi: 1T M34NS JUN3 3GB3RT 1S GU1TLY 4ND 1'M GO1NG TO MURD3R H3R  
Jade: WHY??????

Terezi pulls out her phone and opens up

her

messages,

oh nooo nonono REFLEXIVE INH8LE 8ecause THIS is a 8AD

and hands it to Jade. She reads through them quickly ok8y think June think how do I get 8ut of this come 8n think think th8nk

Jade: is this  
Jade: june did you  
Jade: what is this??  
June: uhhh  
Terezi: 1T'S 3V1D3NC3  
Terezi: 3V1D3NC3 OF 4 CR1M3  
June: you don't even know wh8t I did!!  
Jade: what did you do?  
June: nothing!  
June: o8viously!!  
Terezi: 1 C4N SM3LL TH3 L13 ON YOU 3GB3RT  
Terezi: 1T ST1NKS OF D3C31T 4ND  
Terezi: 1S TH4T SOM3 K1ND OF SW33T3N3D 41R4T3D BON3 M34L  
June: DID I RE8LLY NOT GET ALL THE M8LLOW OFF ME not the point not the point stay focused,  
June: how do you even have these messages? none of that happened 8nymore!  
Jade: what hasn't happened anymore???  
June: nothing!  
June: O8VIOUSLY!!!  
Terezi: STOP DO1NG VR1SK4'S TH1NG YOU TH13F  
June: I'm an heir, VRISK8 was the thief!  
June: now if you would just LISTEN to me I can expl8n what's happening without 8NYONE NEEDING TO YELL 8NYMORE!!  
Jade: what IS happening???  
June: NOTHING  
Terezi: WH4T D1D YOU DO, 3GB3RT  
June: I DIDN'T DO 8NYTHING!!!!!!!!  
Terezi: STOP TH4T  
June: I C8N'T!!!!!!!!  
Terezi: WHY TH3 FUCK NOT  
June: 8EC8USE IT G8TS W8RSE WHEN I'M STR8SSED 8ND TH8S IS 8 VERY STR8SSF8L S8TU8ION  
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU 3V3N 1M1T4T1NG VR1SK4 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3  
June: I'M NOT IMIT8ING VRISKA, I AM VRISK8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

w8 that surprised her enough she's stopped yelling okaaaaaaaay inhale inhale put my cool h8t 8ack on and just expl8n what's h8ppening 8efore she tries to murder me 8gain

June: when I w8s a kid I repressed my feminine side so h8rd it left the un8verse then I met Vrisk8 and I thought I wanted to d8 her 8ut actually I wanted to 8e her and I guess when I got retcon powers the g8nder 8ecame Vrisk8 8nd w8s trying to get me to reunite with her 8nd fin8lly we talked it out and merged together in a very touching moment of 8onding over the classic film Con Air  
Jade: (what)  
June: and in the last few days I've 8een struggling to figure out who I am 8ecause now I'm just a weird com8ination of her and me and we seem to have really different perspectives on how to engage in soci8l 8ctivities and so one night I got really drunk and I 8 some alien candy that removed all my inhibitions and I was really really really RE8LLY pissed off a8out every8ody acting like a shit head when I came out to them so I wound up killing all of them in a really spiteful way and then I woke up and got attacked 8y Dirk and he nearly fucking killed me 8ut then he let me go so I could retcon the whole thing which I did and it was gr8 8ut then Dirk threatened me 8G8IN and I had an emotional br8kdown and that's when I realized I'm actually re8lly fucking awesome and powerful and can 8asic8lly do wh8tever the fuck I w8nt so I 8eat the cr8p out of Dirk and threatened to drop him in a volcano and then I came out here to confront my past 8ut inste8d I talked to J8 and we had some pathos and that's when you showed up and  
June: anyway that's where those, uh  
June: messages  
June: came  
June: from  
June: fuck.  
Jade: so these are  
Jade: these are real?  
Terezi: OF COURS3 TH3Y'R3 R34L. YOU C4N'T F4K3 T3XT M3SS4G3S  
June: you a8bsolutely c8n!  
Terezi: NO YOU C4N'T  
June: Terezi please stop being  
Jade: SHUT UP  
Jade: BOTH OF YOU CAN IT!!!!!

Exhale. Mouth closed. chill as a 8reeze. no swe8t. not even 8 single dr8p of the stuff.

Jade: june please  
Jade: whos the "them" you killed  
June: Jade we re88888888lly shouldn't do this  
Jade: i want to know june just tell me!!! 

no no no no no no no no I really don't want to do th8t I re8lly...

Inhale?

Inhale. okay. fine. fuck it! let's see how this goes.

June: so it was... Dave. Rose. Jane. maaaaay8e Roxy? th8t w8sn't necess8rily cle8r 8nd she w8s super nice to me so I don't know why I would,  
June: 8nd then I also killed, uhhhh,  
June: I 8lso killed you.  
June: 8ut I 8lso also kill8d like a couple hundred other people when I knocked a skyscraper over with a single punch   
Terezi: (YOU D1D WH4T)  
June: so is it even re8lly th8t big a de8l that you got murd8red and I me8n hey look how de8d you aren't right now!! that's 8 thing I 8lso did!!!!!!!!  
June: wh8t I'm s8ying is that you should proba8ly 8e thanking me, for,  
June: no, sorry, th8t's not the right w8y to pl8y this  
Terezi: WH4T W4S TH4T 4BOUT PUNCH1NG OV3R 4 SKYSCR4P3R  
June: oh, ye8h, I punched over a skyscr8per.  
Terezi: HOLY SH1T  
Terezi: TH4T 1S TH3 MOST 1NCR3D1BL3 TH1NG 4 P3RSON COULD DO TO 4 SKYSCR4P3R  
June: right???? like, everyth8ng else aside th8t w8s a re8lly cool  
Jade: JUNE NO IT IS NOT COOL TO PUNCH OVER A SKYSCRAPER  
Terezi: 1T'S PR3TTY COOL  
Jade: NO ITS HORRIFIC IS WHAT IT IS  
Jade: june are you really being serious right now???  
June: aaaahhhh  
June: aaaaaaaaa this is exactly why I didn't want to have this convers8ion!!!  
June: liter8lly everything I just descri8ed to you didn't happen 8nymore! it doesn't exist!!!!!!!! c8n we ple8se just not m8ke it 8 whole g8d d8mn thing 8nd get 8ack to h8ving a nice even8ng with fri8nds???  
Jade: june this is...  
Jade: and did you say you threatened to drop Dirk into a volcano????  
June: I w8sn't going to do it, it w8s just for show!!!!!!!!  
June: see this is why I keep so m8ny things close to my chest, 8ecause when you s8y it out loud it SOUNDS a lot worse and 8 l8t less justif8ed than it w8s  
Jade: justified?? JUSTIFIED??????  
June: that! wasn't the 8est word choice,  
June: I'll 8e honest with you J8 I'm feeling re8lly cornered r8 now and I have had a very very very stressful two days please I just w8nt a single night th8t doesn't involve me defending my life or my ident8ty, or may8e even neither! neither of those th8ngs would be gr8 if they could just keep not h8ppening 8ll the time 8ecause I h8ven't had a singl8 night's r8st that w8sn't ruined by recov8ring from 8lcohol a8use or 8lunt physic8l tr8uma in wh8t feels like 8 full c8lendar ye8r!!!  
Jade: OH well im sorry my reaction to you saying you KILLED ME once isnt convenient for your sleep schedu  
Jade: wait  
Jade: wait you said  
Jade: back when you were telling me how you were afraid you were going to disappear  
Jade: you said that you did stuff like this before!  
Jade: you said that you tried a bunch of times to retcon yourself back onto the ship so i wouldn't be alone for all those years!!  
Jade: but that every time you did that it ended tragically  
Jade: june how many times have you done this??  
June: okay I swear it's literally 8een the once and I 8arely even remem8er doing it  
Jade: if you barely remember doing it how can you be sure it's only happened once?  
Jade: how do i know you're not just lying to me?????  
June: jade please you have to 8elive me I wouldn't just DO something like that  
Jade: BUT YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jade: you did and you just  
Jade: you acted like it didn't happen  
Jade: june i thought

Jade looks at the messages on Terezi's phone. Looks 8ack up at me. She's shaking her head in dis8elief and wait no NO NO NO NO NO 

Pop. She's gone.

Exhale.

June: FUCK  
June: FUCK FUCK FUCK F8CK F8CK  
June: WHY C8N'T I HAVE A DAY???  
June: JUST ONE! TH8T'S ALL I ASK!!

I point at Terezi.

June: YOU!  
Terezi: M3? >:?  
June: is this how it was for Vrisk8?? just one thing after 8nother, every day, all the time?????????  
Terezi: Y3S  
Terezi: BUT TO B3 F41R, 1T W4S L1K3 TH4T FOR 4LL OF US  
June: cool! GR8!!! I'm so H8PPY I get to 8e ME!!!!  
June: this is so fucking,  
June: why is this so h8rd for everyone to underst8nd?? it's like one step forw8rd and twenty steps b8ck every god d8mn day with these people!!!  
Terezi: SORRY TO 1NT3RRUPT BUT  
Terezi: YOU S41D YOU'R3 VR1SK4 NOW?  
June: oh,  
June: uhhh, yeah, that's... I mean it's more like I'm half Vriska? kind of?? it's complicated.  
Terezi: C4N YOU T4K3 4 P1CTUR3?? 1T'S H4RD TO T4ST3 YOU W1TH 4LL TH1S W1ND

ooooooookay. I t8ke a stressed selfie 8nd st8rt to hand it over w8 no I look like 8ss in this hold on

I strike a couple different poses, pick the 8est one, THEN I give her my phone.

Terezi licks the screen.

Terezi: HMM

She licks it again.

Terezi: HMMMMMMMM

She licks it a third time.

Terezi: YOU T4ST3 S1M1L4R TO VR1SK4, BUT D1FF3R3NT  
Terezi: YOU'R3 MOR3 L1K3 VR1SK4 2: TH3 S3QU3L TO VR1SK4  
June: oh, hah, uhh,  
June: is that the one with Ben Stiller?  
Terezi: Y34H 1T'S TH3 ON3 WH3R3 H3 PR3T3NDS TO B3 A H1GH BLOOD 4ND G3TS V1V1S3CT3D 1N FRONT OF 4N 4UD13NC3 OF THOUS4NDS FOR COMM1TT1NG H1GH TR34SON 4G41NST TH3 COND3SC3  
June: gosh, see that's the mist8ke they always make, imperson8ing a high 8lood.  
Terezi: 3X4CTLY, TH4T'S WH4T 1'M S4Y1NG!  
Terezi: NO ON3 WOULD G1V3 4 SH1T 1F YOU JUST PL4Y3D 4T B31NG M1DDL3 CL4SS  
June: 8ut noooooooo, they always have to aim for the highest target!  
Terezi: TROLL B3N ST1LL3R WOULD ST1LL B3 4L1V3 1F H3 H4DN'T B33N SO GR33DY  
June: classic mistake, honestly. you h8 to see it.

We look at each other. Well, I look 8t her. She's... st8ring in my general direction? I guess?

At exactly the same time, we 8urst into laughter.

Terezi: OK4Y, JUN3  
Terezi: OK4Y  
June: okay?  
Terezi: OK4Y 4S 1N 1'M NOT GO1NG TO K1LL YOU  
June: phew, that's a relief!  
June: and here I was starting to think I might have to f8ce my death for the...  
June: jeez how many times has it even 8een today?  
June: five? may8e six? depends on how you count it.  
Terezi: WOW JUN3  
Terezi: W1TH 4 R3CORD L1K3 TH4T, 1 M1GHT ST4RT TO SUSP3CT YOU'V3 DON3 SOM3TH1NG H31NOUS TH4T 4CTU4LLY H4S 4 M4T3R14L 3FF3CT ON TH3 WORLD OUTS1D3 YOUR OWN H34D  
Terezi: 4ND THUS B3 COMP3LL3D BY TROLL L4W TO DO SOM3TH1NG D1STR3SS1NGLY 1NT1M4T3 4ND V1OL3NT 4S PUN1SHM3NT  
Terezi: PUN1SHM3NT FOR YOUR CR1M3S  
Terezi: >;]  
June: hahahaha haah haaha8a hhah88hahnnnn aah haah8ha hhaaa wow, h8h, wooooof, ha,  
June: why doesn't that threat, uhh  
June: ha ahhhaha ahhha  
June: feel?  
June: like one?  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW, 3GB3RT. TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 4 YOU PROBL3M

terezi pyrope is flirting with me terezi FUCK8NG pyrope is flirting with me w8 she's only in to girls oh right I'm a girl now wow that's weird okay what the fuck do I do oh holy shit holy shit this is terrifying she is so godd8mn dangerous and sc8ry I RE8LLY don't need this this is so

this is

this is actually

8M I INTO THIS?

WHY AM I INTO TH8S????????

OH FUCK

Terezi: H3Y YOUR PHON3 M4D3 4 NOIS3  
Terezi: NORM4LLY 1 WOULDN'T PO1NT OUT 4N OBV1OUS TH1NG TH4T L1T3R4LLY 4NYON3 COULD H34R, BUT YOU S33M3D R34LLY D1STR4CT3D

distracted is, defin8ly a word! for the thing!! that I am right now!!! why 8m I smiling so much this is so o8vious she's going to see I'm into this and then she's going to keep doing it 8nd then

and then

8nd then WHAT? I'VE NEVER GOTTEN TH8T F8R WITH 8 GIRL, OR 8NYONE inhale come on one thing at a time, everything's fine, I take my phone back from Terezi wipe off the s8liva and oH RIGHT I FORG8T TH8T EVERYTHING IS TERRI8LE 8CTUALLY

Dirk: I warned you about the truth bro.  
Dirk: I told you dog.

ooohhhhhhhhohohohohohohoho this motherfucker THIS motherF8CKER I 8M GOING TO

Dave: hey j

His voice catches me off guard. I turn and

oh this is not what I wanted to see. this is, just. this is a sh8me.

Karkat, Jane, Jake, a freshly healed Dirk, Rose, and Kanaya have all landed on the street a little ways away. A few paces ahe8d of them, Dave and Jade lead the pack. Everyone's got their we8pons drawn. Alright, exhale, keep it cool and

June knows that the worst is coming. All actions have consequences, after all, and no one with her kind of power can wander freely doing the things she's done and honestly expect to never face retribution. Deep in her gut she's always known that this was coming. As she turns towards the people she once called her friends, readying to attack with all her unhinged might, she makes one disastrous miscalculation.

She assumes that the troll she is developing feelings for values her more than she values staying ali

WHO TH3 FUCK 1S TH1S C4NDY COLOR3D D1PSH1T

ve... 

...

Of course. You're a Seer of Mind. I can't believe I forgot that. Well, this is somewhat embarrassing. Normally I wouldn't make this kind of mistake, but I have been regrettably incapacitated for the last several hou

H3Y DON'T WORRY 4BOUT 1T, 1T H4PP3NS TO TH3 B3ST OF US

3XC3PT M3

4NYW4Y FUCK OFF

oh god oh god oh hey he's not in my head anymore.

I look out at the assem8led crew and see that Dirk is shaking his head like he's confused YES TEREZI I LOVE YOU FOR THIS

WOW 3GB3RT, COM1NG ON 4 L1TTL3 STRONG DON'T YOU TH1NK

that's not what, I meant by,

No, okay, more important 8usiness now! Just inhale, and

June: wow hey guys funny running into you here!  
June: so 8efore anyone does something stupid, why don't we all t8ke a second and you let me explain some things  
Dave: nah dude actually i think you need to listen to us  
Dave: nice haircut by the way  
Dave: short version is jade told us whats up and dirk corroborated  
Dave: wasnt hard to believe him on account of the broken arm and honestly ludicrous burns  
Dave: like just monster first degree shit all up his back  
Dave: i was like yeah sure j put you in a volcano come on thats just cartoonishly evil no one does that in real life  
Dave: but hey turns out i was wrong  
Dave: first time for everything right  
Dave: anyway we had a group meeting with punch and guac and decided youre basically the most liable liability there ever was  
Dave: hella liable j you dont even know  
Jade: we dont want to kill you june we just need to make sure...  
Jade: none of us feel safe anymore knowing what you can do  
Jade: especially not after what dirk sa  
June: DIRK'S A NERD AND A 8ITCH  
Terezi: FUCK 3M UP, JUN3  
June: you're all just, just, I can't even 8EGIN with how stupid this is.  
June: you don't feel safe??  
June: YOU don't feel safe?????  
June: YOU'RE THE ONES GANGING UP ON 8N UN8RMED GIRL  
Dave: fuck you dude

Dave flies towards me with his legendary piece of shit, the others close 8ehind.

I'm so angry. this is so frustr8ing. if they would just STOP 8nd L8ST8N TO M8. 

I feel the wind kicking up and cutting ribbons into the houses near me. At this exact moment I really just want to be8t every fucking one of these 8ssholes to a pulp until they fin8lly understand that I'm not a thre8t. I just want to live my life, is that RE8LLY so much to ask??

you people were supposed to help me. you were supposed to support me. NONE OF THIS would have happened if you'd just 8een GOOD PEOPLE FROM THE START!!!

If I could take it back, I would! except that's the THING, I D8D take it 8ack!!!!!!!! THEY'RE PISSED AT ME FOR A THING THAT DIDN'T EVEN H8PPEN TO THEM AND Terezi touches my arm. No, she

she holds my hand

and then she... touches my face? and

it happens so fast

I feel calm wash over every inch of me. I'm suddenly possessed of a clarity of mind that waIT A SECOND DID THIS 8ITCH JUST SHOOSHPAP ME

Exhale.

It's time to make a choice.

I turn my 8ack to my enemies, wrap Terezi in my arms, and zap us somewhere else.

Suddenly it's quiet. We're suspended in the dark sky, far a8ove everything. My heart's 8eating so fast and Terezi has

her

head ag8inst my chest,

oh that is not helping my heart rate, even a little 8it

Terezi: 1 L34V3 FOR 4 F3W Y34RS 4ND TH1S 1S WH3R3 YOU W1ND UP?  
Terezi: HOW DO YOU 3V3N R3M3B3R TO BR34TH3 W1THOUT M3  
June: that's a good question, TZ. oh um, can I, call you, uh  
June: can I call you TZ?  
Terezi: W3 C4N T4LK 4BOUT P3T N4M3S L4T3R JUN3 CRUSHB3RT  
Terezi: 1 TH1NK TH3 MOR3 PR3SS1NG M4TT3R 1S TH3 F4CT TH4T YOUR FR13NDS W4NT TO K1LL YOU  
June: which is actually kind of your fault.  
Terezi: YOU C4N'T PROV3 4 TH1NG HUM4N  
Terezi: 4NYW4Y TH3Y'R3 GO1NG TO F1ND US 3V3NTU4LLY  
Terezi: SO WH4T'S TH3 PL4N, VR1SK4 2  
June: the plan is retcon, o8viously.  
Terezi: OK4Y GOOD, 1 W4S WORR13D 1 WOULD H4V3 TO B3 TH3 ON3 TO S4Y 1T  
June: come on, I'm not TH8T dense.  
Terezi: 1 R3M41N H1GHLY SK3PT1C4L OF TH1S PROPOS1T1ON  
June: right, so the question now is, when's the 8est moment to...  
June: there isn't 8 question at all, actu8lly.

I wish there was. I really, re8lly wish there was. 8ut we have to 8e strategic. In terms of "when," it seems safest to go to the last possi8le moment of peace 8efore the conflict 8egan. And for this particular cluster fuck, I think that moment is...

Right 8efore I talked to J4d3.

I mean J8.

I mean Jade.

I zap us to the street outside my house, at a time when the sun was still a8ove the horizon. I approach my third past self from 8ehind and politely ask her to get into the g8rbage, which she does with no compl8nts. Not sure what the deal with that is 8ut it's prob8bly 8est not to think about it.

From there, I zap us into the sky.

8elow, Jade pops in just as I remem8er her doing only a little while ago. She looks so...

disappointed

when she doesn't see me near8y. Storms into my house. I hear her call my name a couple times. She leaves the place looking defe8ted, shoulders slumped. She makes some kind of sound, I can't tell what, and then she pops away again.

Terezi: TH1S 1S R34LLY S4D  
June: yeah...

I look at Terezi. Her face is 8med at the ground, her mouth open as she 8reathes in the scene below.

June: you know, for a 8lind girl, you're awfully good at o8serving things.  
Terezi: 1 4M R3NOWN3D FOR MY K33N S3NS1T1V1TY TO TH3 F4CTS  
Terezi: 4ND TH3 F4CT 1S, WH4T JUST H4PP3N3D W4S R34LLY S4D

Looking 8ack at the empty street, I feel the adrenaline of everything that just went down wearing out. I'm tired. I feel like I've 8een tired forever.

June: sometimes I think the universe just...  
June: has it out for Jade.  
June: someday, I'm going to m8ke it up to her.  
June: for now,

I set us down on the street again, a little ways away just in case Jade decides to come 8ack and look a second time.

June: the only other thing we need to worry a8out is, umm,  
June: you?  
Terezi: JUN3 3GB3RT T34R1NG 1T L1MB FROM L1MB 4G41N W1TH TH3 OBV1OUS F4CTS  
Terezi: N3XT YOU'LL B3 T3LL1NG M3 TH3 SH1TT13R STR1D3R 1S 4 PROBL3M  
June: well, the shittier Strider is defin8ly a pro8lem.  
Terezi: WOW, YOU R34LLY 4R3 L1V1NG UP TO YOUR R3PUT4T1ON  
June: I have a reput8ion?  
Terezi: D3P3NDS ON HOW STR1CTLY W3 1NT3RPR3T YOUR L1N34G3  
Terezi: SP34K1NG OF WH1CH, JUST OUT OF CUR1OS1TY  
Terezi: D1D YOUR VR1SK4 FUS1ON TH1NG H4V3 4NY K1ND OF 3FF3CT ON YOUR B1OLOGY  
June: huh? like my digestion?  
Terezi: Y3S JUN3  
Terezi: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 M34NT  
June: uhh, no, not that I'm aware of. 8ut it's only 8een a few days, so,  
June: any way what are we going to do with your past self?  
Terezi: K1LL H3R OBV1OUSLY  
June: okay good.  
June: I didn't want to 8e the first one to say it, some people get a little squeamish around, you know,  
June: murder.  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 S33N SO M4NY D34D M3'S 4T TH1S PO1NT TH3Y M4Y 4S W3LL B3 GRUB M1T3S  
Terezi: 1F P4ST M3 D1DN'T W4NT TO D13 SH3 SHOULDN'T H4V3 B33N TH3 ON3 WHO D13D  
June: can't argue with that.  
Terezi: 1F YOU TR13D YOU WOULD LOS3  
Terezi: JUST SO YOU KNOW  
June: are you really sure you're ok8y with... I mean you don't have to pretend  
Terezi: 1 C4N'T B3L13V3 TH3 LOOK ON YOUR F4C3 R1GHT NOW  
June: ...what do you mean?  
Terezi: YOU LOOK SO SOMB3R, L1K3 4 W1GGL3R W1THOUT 4 LUSUS  
Terezi: 4T TH1S PO1NT P4ST M3 H4S 4LR34DY R34L1Z3D TH4T SH3 LOST TH3 HYPOTH3T1C4L PROB4B1L1ST1C CO1N TOSS 4ND TURN3D 4ROUND TO GO B4CK TO TH3 F4RTH3ST R1NG TO LOOK FOR VR1SK4 1: TH3 PR3QU3L TO VR1SKA 2: TH3 S3QU3L TO VR1SK4  
Terezi: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S33 1F YOU WOULD G3T 3XC1T3D 4T TH3 PROSP3CT OF K1LL1NG M3  
June: why??  
Terezi: TO FUCK W1TH YOU  
June: oh.  
June: isn't that kind of cruel?  
Terezi: HOW YOU C4N B3 SO 3V1L 4ND SO 4DOR4BLY 3MP4TH3T1C 4LL 4T TH3 S4M3 T1M3  
Terezi: YOU W3R3 4 S3COND 4W4Y FROM TRY1NG TO K1LL 4LL YOUR FR13NDS NOT F1V3 M1NUT3S 4GO  
June: "trying"? you think I couldn't do it?  
Terezi: S33 WH4T 1 M34N?  
Terezi: TH4T W4S 4N 3XC3PT1ON4LLY 3V1L TH1NG YOU JUST S41D  
June: it's not,  
June: look okay I don't W8NT to kill them!  
June: they just, they were m8king me angry and I  
Terezi: JUN3, 1 4M NO STR4NG3R TO TH3 BLOODLUST 4 POW3RFUL WOM4N F33LS WH3N PR3D4TORS BOX H3R 1NTO 4 CORN3R  
Terezi: 4ND 1 4M 3SP3C14LLY F4M1L14R W1TH TH3 S3RK3T'S P3NCH4NT FOR R3T4L14TORY V1OL3NC3  
Terezi: 1F 1 C4N S4Y NOTH1NG 3LS3, 1T'S TH4T 1 H4V3 NO ROOM TO JUDG3  
Terezi: 1 HOP3 YOU 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 GR4V1TY OF TH4T ST4T3M3NT CONS1D3R1NG TH3 F4CT TH4T JUDG3 1S L1T3R4LLY H4LF OF WH4T 1 DO  
June: wow, that's... weirdly comforting.  
Terezi: M4NY H4V3 4CCUS3D M3 OF B31NG 4 COMFORT4BL3 P3RSON  
June: that sounds like 8 lie, Terezi.  
Terezi: 4LMOST 3V3RYON3 WHO COULD PROV3 M3 WRONG 1S D34D  
Terezi: WH1CH B4S1C4LLY M34NS 1 4M T3LL1NG TH3 TRUTH BY D3F4ULT  
June: yeah, I guess I c8n't argue with that logic.  
Terezi: >:]  
June: hmm.  
June: there's defin8ly a lot of good stuff I got from Vriska.  
June: confidence is nice. 8eing r8 all the time? it's a nice ch8nge of pace!  
June: 8ut I'm starting to think that may8e the worst tr8t I inher8d was her impulse control.  
June: or lack of one.  
Terezi: HMMM.  
Terezi: TH4T ST4T3M3NT H4S SOM3 H1L4R1OUSLY SUGG3ST1V3 1MPL1C4T1ONS TH4T 1 COULD PO1NT OUT TO M4K3 YOU SQU1RM   
Terezi: UNFORTUN4T3LY 1'M PR3TTY SUR3 1 4M L1T3R4LLY DY1NG  
June: w8, what?????????  
Terezi: 1 TH1NK P4R4DOX SP4C3 W4S PR3S3RV1NG M3 L1K3 4 P1CKL3D BLOOD F1SH  
Terezi: 4ND NOT 3V3N 4 GOOD ON3, 31TH3R  
Terezi: NOW TH4T 1'M 1N 4N OXYG3N4T3D 3NV1RONM3NT, 1 4M SUDD3NLY V3RY 4W4R3 OF HOW LONG 1T H4S B33N S1NC3 1 CONSUM3D 4 SUBST4NC3 FOR TH3 PURPOS3S OF R3M41N1NG 4L1V3  
Terezi: NOT TO 1NTRUD3, BUT 1 WOULD V3RY MUCH 4PPR3C14T3 1T 1F YOU COULD C4RRY M3 1NTO YOUR HOUS3 L1K3 ON3 OF THOS3 P4TH3T1C HUM4N W1V3S YOUR SP3C13S 1S 4LW4YS CROW1NG 4BOUT 4ND F33D M3 4NYTH1NG 4T 4LL FOR SUST3N4NCE  
June: oh, uhh.

I look at my house, expecting the fear to return. Expecting to hesit8.

8ut Terezi is leaning on me for support, and the feeling of her 8ody near mine is,

it's a comfort? Hm, may8e she wasn't lying after all.

Even as 8ony and sallow as she is, her touch... any kind of touch at all is a reminder th8t my house is not the thing that is alive. My memories may 8e ghosts, 8ut they don't reside in those walls. They're in me, and ultim8ly I'm the one who has power over them.

If I don't like those memories, then I guess I'll just have to m8ke some new ones.

I sweep Terezi into my 8rms and carry her down the street, up the drivew8y, across the little concrete p8th, and into the place I used to think would 8e where I would die.

If nothing else, I'll at least try living there 8 little while 8efore then.

June: 8y the way, I hope your phone didn't have anything important on it.  
Terezi: WHY  
June: preeeeeeee8y sure it doesn't exist anymore.  
Terezi: WH4T


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING for: dysphoria, discussion of suicidal thoughts, consensual foreplay

We are who we surround ourselves with.

I wake up with those words bouncing around in my head.

My room. I wonder for a moment if I'm a kid again and the last few years were just a dream. Nothing has changed in this room since then. The same bookshelf, computer, posters, clutter on the floor. Nothing has changed. So... why does it all feel so unfamili8r now?

Terezi and I are laying on my bed. She's snoring, and I think that's... cute? Gosh. The bed's so small we couldn't help getting tangled up in each other, but after eating some frozen dinners that were probably a few years old, we were so tired we fell asleep 8efore our heads even hit the pillow. Too tired to take off our clothes, too tired to even get under the sheets. I guess neither of us had much of a problem keeping warm.

She stinks. Her clothes are filthy. That shirt may as well be more crust than fabric at this point. Her hair is matted and kinda patchy. I don't really know what healthy troll skin is supposed to look like, 8ut if there's an Alternian equivalent to pallid, she's it. Even her horns seem discolored. Brittle. Chipping.

Terezi did this to herself 8ecause of Vriska. She came 8ack because of Vriska. I asked her

no, "John" asked her to come back several times, and she always refused.

I'm not sure I know how to feel about that.

When I slip off the 8ed, she makes an odd little murmur like she's trying to say something, though I can't make out any words. I untuck the covers on my side and do my best to fold them over onto her. I hope they keep her warm. I can't imagine how cold it must have 8een out in paradox space.

As quietly as possible, I leave and go into the bathroom. Shut the door 8ehind me. Flip on the light.

And there's Vriska.

Then my eyes adjust, and it's me again. Just me in the mirror. Just June.

Run my hands through my mohawk. Turn my shoulder to see my tattoo.

God damn, yesterday was a hell of a day.

It feels like a lot. May8e it even feels like compens8ion. Who is this person? How did she even GET here?

Turn on the hot water and let it run for a bit. I don't like the stubble. It's already so much more noticeable and it's 8een less than a day since the last time I shaved. While the sink fills up, I take my shirt off. I just feel sad, looking at me. Haven't exactly been keeping my figure these last few years, 8ut my chest is still flat and hairy. Every little angle and muscle is a reminder that I'm at the 8ottom of a very steep hill. Looking at the severity of the clim8, I ask myself- is this worth it?

Is all this trou8le really worth it?

When I shave, I feel the bruises from when Terezi hit me yesterday. My thoughts are unfocused as I drag the little safety razor under my chin and nose. I see my right arm, and it gives me pause. Despite Jane's healing powers, there are still sharp bruises deep in my knuckles and up my arm. When I flex my fingers, I can feel tendons popping in and out of place. I 8arely even notice the pain of it. It's there, for sure, but it feels... comforting? It's a real thing that's proof that something happened, where nothing is remem8ered anymore except by me.

There's a scar on my neck. I only just noticed it. A long, thin scar from Dirk's sword. I rub it with the tips of my fingers, and a flush of panic surges through me as I remember 8eing pushed up ag8inst that tree, feel8ng the met8l of his we8pon one muscle twitch 8w8y from slic8ng my thro8t op8n 8nd 

Look at me. I am covered toe to tip in proof that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Every moment since coming out has just 8een one disaster after another. Constant panic, o8vious mistakes, reaction after reaction after reaction, snow8alling violence that I never thought I was capa8le of. That I was always capa8le of.

Is this what I deserve? Am I being punished for stepping out of line?

Am I supposed to 8e that sad boy w8ing his whole life in this empty house, so he can fade away or find his utility in yet another task given him 8y someone else? 

Am I supposed to 8e that angry girl stuck in the void, disconnected from everything she fought so hard to cre8, eternally on her way to deploy a tool whose use will spell her ruin?

Is this what happens when power and will come together in a universe that desper8ly seeks to regulate 8oth? Constant antagonism and opposition until either you die, or everyone else does?

So many fucking questions.

I dip a wash cloth into the steaming basin and run it across my chest. Spray some shaving cream into my hands. It feels silly, shaving my 8ody. Silly in a way that shaving my face doesn't. It takes forever, I nick myself a few times... but when it's done I can't help but run my hand across my skin and think,

is this,

what it could feel like?

A little excited rush that pushes me to shave my arms, too, and then my legs. 8y the time it's all done, the water in the sink has long since gone cold and murky. The floor has accumulated a fairly large puddle, and I've gone through three razors just to get everything.

Run three fingers across my legs and.... Is this what skin is supposed to feel like? It's so strange, just seeing my arms. I was never the hairiest person, 8ut it was still dark enough that it was never out of my mind. Like a quiet reminder that I could never be... her. Whoever I thought she was.

When I unplug the drain, the entire sink is coated with hair. It occurs to me there's proba8ly an electric shaver somewhere in the house I could have used to shorten things up first. Oops? Oh well.

Look again at the mirror. It's covered in splashes now, 8ut I'm still there. Maybe that person is a little closer to June? The hair helps. But it isn't the silver bullet I hoped it would 8e.

Jeez, I wish the external changes would happen as fast as the internal ones.

Am I starting too late? Will anyone ever see me? Is this all just some cosmic joke at my expense?

So m8ny questions!!

Here's a question:

Who cares?

Whether I am or am not "supposed" to exist doesn't change the fact that I exist. I can stand here all morning worrying a8out whether I'm doing it wrong, which part of me 8elongs to whom, how bad I should feel about all my mistakes, should I this, should I that, running my head in so many circles I make myself dizzy- and I'll still just 8e standing here, looking at my reflection. W8ing for something or someone to give me an answer.

That's a John thing to do. I'm not John.

The flip side is, I could get angry. How dare you make me ask all these questions???????? Fuck you and the 8ark8east you rode in on! I could punch the mirror, run outside, 8ang on every fucking door, demand they listen to me, THRE8TEN them until they listen to me, get frustr8ed that they don't like my TONE, lash out, hurt someone, retcon the whole thing- and I'd still 8e standing here, looking at a broken mirror. Wondering what I did wrong.

That's a Vriska thing to do. I'm not Vriska.

What I really need to figure out is what June would do.

\----

I'm sitting at the kitchen table. It's nearly noon now, and Terezi is still asleep. In front of me is a note8ook and a pen. Here's what I have so far.

W8NTS:  
1\. I w8nt to 8e remem8ered.  
2\. I w8nt some people to 8e afr8 of me.  
3\. I don't want Jade to 8e one of them.

Okay, it's time to be critical. Part of me wants to erase the whole thing and start from scratch. If I'm really trying to lean away from the "slowly 8ecoming a villain" thing, surely my wants ought to be a little nicer?

8ut that wouldn't be true to me. If I was ever nice -and that's a 8IG if, since being catastrophically passive is not the same as being nice- I'm defin8ly not nice anymore. And what even IS "nice" 8ut a series of comforting lies we tell everyone around us so they'll toler8 our presence?

Hmm. No, that's literally what a sociopath would say.

"Nice" is what we are when we care a8out other people enough to understand that they can be shitty sometimes. I've been shitty for 8asically my entire existence as a unified entity and I certainly 8elieve I'm not a bad person! Being shitty doesn't make you a 8ad person. It makes you inconsider8. And just 8ecause you're justified in doing something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

That's like... society 101 or something.

Now, the uh, "wanting to be feared" 8it is... let's call it suspect. Fear is bad! I souldn't want anyone to be afr8 of me, right?

"8ad". Hmmm.

Is it right calling any emotion "bad" or "good"? I think they've got to 8e neutral. Happiness can 8e weaponized against you. Fear can keep you safe.

I don't want everyone to fear me. In fact, I would like it if most people loved me! Or at least toler8d me enough to invite me to parties. 8ut there are people who will never like or toler8 me. Some of them I can ignore. But others resent the fact that I exist so much, they will do everything in their power to end that existence.

They're the ones I want pissing themselves at night when no one's looking.

Okay, with that bit of clarific8ion I feel like we've made point number three redundant. Now let's look at point num8er one.

I want to be remem8ered.

See, this one's tricky. If I killed all my friends, something tells me the inhabitants of Earth C would remember that. Hell, even if I killed myself, the permanent death of a god is still pretty notable. Not to mention the memories of the people who would proba8ly miss me.

I don't want to be remembered as a conquerer or a warmonger. I don't want their fear to 8e my legacy. 

I want to 8e remembered for making the world a 8etter place than it was when I made it.

We, I mean! When WE m8de it.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. It's not enough to want things, I'm realizing- you have to know WHY you w8nt them. Directionless want is dangerous, and while I am a thoroughly dangerous motherfucker, I want that danger to 8e meaningful and targeted.

Jeez, it's amazing what a full night's sleep can do for your reasoning skills! 

Actually, let's ask one more question:

What makes me dangerous?

The simplest answer would be "my power." But there are plenty of powerful people on Earth C who I would very much hesit8 to call dangerous. Jade is incredibly powerful, 8ut is also generally kind hearted and seemingly violence-repulsed. Even still, her raw power was always limited by forces 8eyond her control. She W8S dangerous in a hypothetical sense, and so the forces that be took steps to make sure she would stay out of everyone's way.

Let's look at a far more relevant example: Dirk Strider.

Dirk doesn't have much in the way of raw power when compared to someone like Jade. 8ut that might be exactly the thing that makes him dangerous. His power comes from understanding people, knowing how to manipul8 them, how to get them to do exactly what he wants without them ever re8lizing he's done it. He's a man with plans, a tremendously singular drive, and a keen awareness of what drives everyone around him. He compens8s for his lack of power by getting others to do the heavy lifting.

Jade has power, and in a nominal sense she has the will to use it. 8ut she doesn't have a plan. She was a wild card once, but her varia8les were calculated long ago 8y people like Dirk so that they could deploy her strategically.

John had power, but no will. Vriska had will in spades and no small amount of power, 8ut was herself controlled and manipul8ed, though her variables were never successfully calculated.

So what really makes me dangerous is that I have power, I have will, and no one yet knows what it is I intend to do with either. My varia8les are still mysterious, which might make me one of the only true wild cards in the universe.

For a man with plans like Dirk, unpredictability is the enemy.

8ut then again, if you think about it...

It's also a tremendous advantage.

8ecause he knows that I am impulsive and violent. He knows that I am prone to acts of theatrical excess. He knows that I am still figuring a lot of things out, because I am literally three days old.

As a man with plans, he knows the 8ehavior of someone who doesn't have any kind of plan at all. If he decides that the utility of my power is worth less than the execution of his plans, he knows exactly how to 8ack me into a corner and destroy me. He's already almost done it twice.

Which means I'm just as vulnera8le as everyone else on this stupid planet. 

The pro8lem with my list of wants is that it's directionless. The 8est goal I have so far, "make the world a better place," could mean so many things. When Dirk says he has plans, he's being excruci8ingly specific.

If I want to be remem8ered for the right reasons, if I want to 8e feared for the right reasons, if I want to avoid becoming another god damn chess piece in someone else's game, then I need to come up with a pl8n of my own.

WH4T K1ND OF PL4N?

Fuck!!!!!!!!

TH4T DO3SN'T S33M L1K3 1T WOULD 4DDR3SS YOUR CONC3RNS  
4 FUCK PL4N, 1 M34N  
NOT TH4T 1'M S4Y1NG NO

Wow, th8t's!  
Good morning, I guess!!

Terezi: GOOD MORN1NG  
June: FUCK!!!!!!!!

I spin around and see her standing just a few inches away. How did she sneak up on me like that??

Terezi: M4LNOUR1SHM3NT H4S 1TS 4DV4NT4G3S  
Terezi: 4NYW4Y 1F YOU YOU W3R3 R34LLY TH1S 34G3R YOU SHOULD H4V3 WOK3N M3 UP HOURS 4GO  
June: you needed the rest, and, uhh also  
June: I'm not, uh  
June: I don't know if  
Terezi: 1T'S F1N3 3GB3RT, 1 C4N W41T  
Terezi: 1 4M 4 CR34TUR3 OF M4NY W4NTS  
Terezi: ON3 OF TH3M 1S PHYS1C4L COMP4N1ONSH1P  
Terezi: >;]  
Terezi: 4NOTH3R 1S G4RB4G3 FOR MY BODY SO 1T CONT1NU3S NOT TO D13  
Terezi: DO YOU H4V3 4NYMOR3 OF THOS3 QU3ST1ON4BLY 3D1BL3 FROZ3N TR34SUR3 BOX3S   
June: no, I think we 8 all of them last night.  
Terezi: D4MN, 1 W4S HOP1NG 1 COULD F1N4LLY 3XP3R13NC3 WH4T3V3R TH3 TROLL V3RS1ON 1S OF YOUR HUM4N D3PR3SS1ON  
June: I'm pretty sure the troll version of depression is just depression.  
Terezi: W3 4R3 4 W4RR1OR SP3C13S R41S3D BY PR3V3RB4L MONST3RS ON A HOST1L3 PL4N3T RUL3D BY W4F4R1NG 1NT3RG4LCT1C F1SH, W3 H4V3 NO T1M3 FOR D3PR3SS1ON  
June: didn't you spend like a whole year addicted to f8ygo and having sex with Gam  
Terezi: H3Y WH4T'S TH1S L1ST 1S TH1S SOM3TH1NG COMPL3T3LY UNR3L4T3D TO WH4T3V3R TH1NG TH4T W4S YOU W3R3 4BOUT TO S4Y L3T'S T4LK 4BOUT TH4T  
June: oh yeah.  
June: well, it turns out I'm a cre8ture of a few wants myself.

She leans over my shoulder, aand, uh

>;]

Terezi: "M4K3 TH3 WORLD 4 B3TT3R PL4C3"  
Terezi: "I W4NT SOM3 P3OPL3 TO F34R M3"  
Terezi: WOW JUN3 TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 TH3 B3G1NN1NG OF 4 M4N1F3STO  
June: yeah, well, I'm working on that. how much of my whole, like... internal monolog did you hear?  
Terezi: 1'V3 4CTU4LLY B33N 4W4K3 S1NC3 YOU L3FT TH3 B3D  
Terezi: 1 TOOK TH3 OPPORTUN1TY TO SCOUR 4LL YOUR M4T3R14L POSS3SS1ONS FOR 3V1D3NC3  
June: evidence of wh8t??  
Terezi: >;]  
June: wow, I have no fucking clue what that means!  
June: so, okay. you know this whole power/will/wild c8rd thing I'm working on, then.  
Terezi: Y3S 1 DO  
Terezi: 1T'S V3RY VR1SK4, VR1SK4 2  
June: ... yeah.  
June: so here's the thing. I've only 8een me for three ish days and I've already managed to kill all my friends in one timeline and 8arely survived all of them trying to kill ME in 8nother.  
June: I even killed you a couple times.  
Terezi: G4SP  
June: oh, uhh, it was only 8ecause you attacked me first, I was freaking out and acting impulsively and uh  
Terezi: R3L4X 3GB3RT  
Terezi: W3'V3 4LL K1LL3D 34CH OTH3R ONC3 OR TW1C3  
June: is that... is that true?  
Terezi: NO, 1'M JUST TRY1NG TO M4K3 YOU F33L B3TT3R  
June: oh.  
June: so you're not, like... 8othered? by me uh,  
June: killing?? you???  
Terezi: 1 WOULD K1LL M3 TOO 1F 1 4TT4CK3D M3  
Terezi: MOR3 1MPORT4NTLY, 1'M 4L1V3 R1GHT NOW. WH1CH M34NS YOU D1DN'T K1LL M3  
Terezi: FUSS1NG 4BOUT 1T 1S MOR4LLY GRUB-T13R N4V4L G4Z1NG LUSUSSH1T  
Terezi: YOU W3R3 S4Y1NG  
June: right. so the thing I would really very much like to 8void is any kind of repeat of the last few days. 8asically just never having any8ody yell at me or draw a fucking sword on me again? I feel like that is, conceptually speaking, a pretty reasona8le goal to have.  
June: 8uuuuuuuuut I think I've already made a permanent enemy in Dirk, and I don't think there's any meeting in the middle with him.  
June: even if I swore up and down I was a changed woman or whatever, he's never taking me off his r8dar. and the thing is, he's right to do so. 8ecause I'm not terribly interested in meeting in the middle, either.  
June: I want to do some shit, Terezi.  
June: it's weird to say that when that could mean 8asically anything??? all I know right now is there's something in me that will never let me stay still for long, and that either wants to change the world, or, uhhhh... 8urn it down? not sure which yet, which is, haaahaha, kind of concerning!  
June: I don't intend to do any 8urning at the moment though, and that's what really matters.  
June: and even if I didn't do some shit of my own, I feel like Dirk would still either kill me or find a way to get me to do the shit HE wants done.  
June: o8viously, I would prefer if neither of those were in the cards!  
June: part of me wants to go kick his door down 8nd kill the fucker, and another part of me just wants to lay in my 8ed until the heat death of the universe.  
June: so I figured, hey! why not meet in the middle and 8e proactively preventative?  
June: which means making a plan.  
Terezi: W4S TH1S YOUR G4M3 4LL 4LONG, 3GB3RT? WOO M3 W1TH TR4SH 4ND TH3N CON M3 1NTO M4K1NG YOUR PL4NS FOR YOU?  
June: uhh, you're the one who kind8 just showed up  
Terezi: 4 L1K3LY STORY FROM SOM3ON3 WHO 1S P4RT VR1SK4  
June: okay, well... anyway.  
June: I don't expect you to help, you're the one who 8sked  
Terezi: OF COURSE 1'M GO1NG TO H3LP  
Terezi: TH1S 1S TH3 MOST 1NT3R3ST1NG TH1NG TH4T'S H4PP3N3D TO M3 1N TH1S L4M3 S4F3TY COFF1N OF 4 UN1V3RS3  
June: heh. that's kind of sad, 8ut good news for me I guess!  
Terezi: Y3S JUN3  
Terezi: T4K3 4DV4NT4G3 OF MY SK1LLS  
June: !! hh yes, uh  
June: well , um  
June: anyway so what's 8ugging me a8out all this is, uh  
June: well, I can sit here and lay it all out for myself as much as I want, 8ut I'm worried that when I leave the house to go act on this stuff, none of it will make a difference.  
June: because my impulse control is, uhhh! not good! right now!!  
June: and like, I'm trying to meet my own d8mn self in the middle here and see violence as a tool? 8ut it's not a tool I re8lly want to use, or want to plan to use, and in the meantime some mean little corner of my 8rain won't stop insisting that violence is a tool that is never not the right answer.  
Terezi: TH4T M4K3S S3NS3  
June: does it? 8ecause it kinda makes me feel like a psychop8th!  
Terezi: M4YB3 YOU 4R3  
Terezi: YOU'R3 H4LF TROLL, 4FT3R 4LL  
Terezi: SP3C1F1C4LLY, YOU'R3 H4LF VR1SK4  
Terezi: MOR3 SP3C1F4LLY, YOU S33M TO B3 H4LF TH3 VR1SK4 FROM WH3N YOU KN3W H3R, WH3N W3 W3R3 STUCK ON THE M3T3OR, B3FOR3 SH3 KN3W TH4T TH3R3 W4S 4 ST4T3 OF B31NG ON3 M1GHT R3F3R TO 4S "CH1LL"  
Terezi: 4LT3RN14 W4S 4 V1OL3NT PL4C3, 4ND 1T W4S D3S1GN3D TH4T W4Y SO TH4T W3 WOULD B3COM3 3MOT1ONL3SS MONST3RS R34DY TO K1LL 4NYTH1NG 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG FOR TH3 3MP1R3  
Terezi: 1T TOOK US Y34RS OF B1CK3R1NG 4ND HUGS 4ND BOR1NG N1GHTS L1ST3N1NG TO DJ D4V3K4T'S 1LL3ST J4MS TO UNL34RN TH4T F1SC1ST PROGR4MM1NG  
Terezi: DO3SN'T S33M R34L1ST1C TO M3 TH4T YOU'D PULL 1T OFF IN L3SS TH4N 4 W33K  
June: huh.  
June: Dave and Karkat had a 8and?  
Terezi: Y3S  
Terezi: 1T W4S T3RR1BL3  
June: well, that goes without saying.  
June: do you think some of those tracks are still flo8ting around somewhere?  
Terezi: YOU 4R3 FOCUS1NG ON TH3 L34ST 1MPORT4NT P4RT OF WH4T 1 JUST S41D  
June: well, sorry, I'm just having a hard time processing "I am socialized to a violent civiliz8ion that hasn't existed in millennia."  
June: it doesn't make sense to me.  
Terezi: TH4T'S B3C4US3 1T DO3SN'T M4K3 S3NS3  
Terezi: UNFORTUN4T3LY W3 L1V3 1N 4 UN1V3RS3 TH4T 4LLOWS NONS3NS1C4L TH1NGS TO 3X1ST 4LL TH3 T1M3  
Terezi: ONC3 4G4IN: MOR4LLY GRUB-T13R N4V4L G4Z1NG LUSUSSH1T  
June: fair enough, I guess.  
June: 8ut that doesn't really change the fact that I can't keep doing this whole "lose my temper 8nd hurt people" thing all the time. I've 8een lucky so far, but every out8urst is a dice roll and eventu8lly I'm going to run out of luck.  
Terezi: 1F TH3 R34L VR1SK4 1S D34D, H3R CORPS3 1S ROT4T1NG 1N TH3 COLD VO1D OF SP4C3 R1GHT NOW. 4BSOLUT3LY GYR4T1NG W1TH OUTR4G3 4T TH3 CONDUCT OF H3R S3QU3L, VR1SK4 2  
June: wow, that's...  
June: um,  
June: so okay, a8out the whole "Vriska 2" thing, uh.  
June: I don't...  
June: you know that I'm not her, right? like, not re8lly?

Terezi steps away from me and sits down caddy corner from my seat. She looks... sad? Tired? 

Terezi: 1T'S BOTH  
Terezi: 1 KNOW YOU 4R3N'T H3R, JUN3  
Terezi: 1F 1T M4K3S YOU UNCOMFORT4BL3 FOR M3 TO JOK3 4BOUT 1T, 1'LL STOP  
June: it's not that it makes me uncomforta8le, I'm just worried that...  
June: I don't want you to think...  
Terezi: S4Y WH4T'S ON YOUR M1ND, 3GB3RT  
Terezi: 1 4LR34DY KNOW WH4T 1T 1S  
June: are you here for me, or... her?  
June: 8ecause if you're here for her, I think you're going to 8e disappointed.  
Terezi: JUN3, 1  
Terezi: >:|  
Terezi: C4N 1 4SK YOU 4 W31RD QU3ST1ON  
June: I feel like that's most of the questions you ask, 8ut sure.  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU US3 VR1SK4'S QU1RK?  
June: that's...  
June: a good weird question.  
Terezi: 1 KNOW  
June: to 8e honest, it doesn't feel like there is a "why".  
June: like, why do you use yours?  
Terezi: 1T'S JUST HOW 1 T4LK  
June: exactly. this is just how I talk, too.  
June: I don't know if the Vrisk8 I emerged from WAS her, or my VERSION of her, or something else...  
June: I think I remem8er her life the same way I remem8er John's, as part of this dreamy haze?  
June: 8ut I'm so close to everything that was John's that the Vriska stuff feels... fake? like a story I can 8arely remember.  
June: I have to think of all these disconnected images as my memories 8ecause that's the only thing that makes sense to say?  
June: 8ut they aren't my memories. not really.  
June: as much as I'm a mix of 8oth Vriska and John, I'm...  
June: there's more to me than them.  
June: may8e that's why this whole situ8ion has 8een so frustr8ing.  
June: I think if everyone else had their way, they would get rid of the Vriska 8its and then send whatever was left to like... gender college?  
June: to learn the "proper" way to 8e a gender?  
June: they think Vriska is an intruder that's causing me trou8le.  
June: so like, even if they aren't trans phobic or whatever? they're still stuck seeing me as,  
June: as,  
June: ...  
Terezi: S1CK?  
June: ...ye8h. sick.  
June: sick with a c8se of the Vriskas.

We sit in silence for a little while. I'm staring down at my list, wondering what the point is. I genuinely don't know 8nymore. None of this shit a8out being remembered or 8eing feared addresses the friends who I still really, desper8ly want on my side. I should just leave, right? It's like I said to Jade, if they don't respect you, they don't deserve you. So why do I want them 8ack? Just 8ecause we've shared so much of our lives doesn't mean we're obligated to stick together.

8ut they're the only people I know. They're not just the only friends I have, they're the only friends I've EV8R had. If I t8ke charge and give them the boot... then what? I don't know a world without them. I don't know,

I don't...

My vision is blurring. I 8link, and tears roll down my face. Gr8! New day means new tears, right? "Never A Day Unwept: The June Eg8ert Story." That's the the n8me of my booksona! I cradle my face under my glasses and try to shrink. I feel like such an idiot, such a god d8mn coward. Just le8ve! Just apologize! Just do anything 8esides cry in front of this cute girl!!

Why is this hard?

Why is every fucking p8rt of this so H8RD??

Why can't it just 8e...

like it was.

...

I think life was e8sier when I didn't give a shit.

I feel a soft touch on the 8ack of my hand, and Terezi gently tugs my fingers away from my face. Intermingles hers with mine.

Terezi: WH3N 1 T4ST3D YOU TYP1NG L1K3 VR1SK4 4ND T4LK1NG L1K3 4 F4YGOL3SS CLOWN, 1 W4S SO 4NGRY 1 S4W R3D  
Terezi: OBV1OUSLY TH4T'S 4 F1GUR3 OF SP33CH  
Terezi: BUT 1 W4SN'T JUST M4D B3C4US3 1 COULDN'T ST4ND SOM3ON3 1MP3RSON4T1NG H3R  
Terezi: TH3 1D34 OF 4 VR1SK4 4DJ4C3NT 3NT1TY THR34T3N1NG TO HURT P3OPL3 1 DON'T H4T3 BROUGHT B4CK 4 LOT OF MEMOR13S  
Terezi: NOT 4LL OF TH3M GOOD ON3S  
Terezi: 1T W4S L1K3 4 R3FL3X  
Terezi: "VR1SK4 K1LL1NG 4G41N? T1M3 TO K1LL H3R B4CK"  
Terezi: WORS3 W4S TH3 THOUGHT TH4T  
Terezi: TH4T YOU  
Terezi: TH4T YOU H4D

Her grip tightens. I don't think I've ever seen her struggle with words like this? It's... a little upsetting, actually. I put my other hand on top of hers.

June: we don't have to talk a8out this if you don't wan

JUN3 KNOWS 4 F3W TH1NGS 4BOUT T3R3Z1 PYROP3, BUT SH3 DO3SN'T KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG. SH3'S TOO BUSY H4V1NG 4 CRUSH TO S33 WH4T'S R34LLY 1N FRONT OF H3R.

June: I don't have a

TH3 W4Y JUN3 F33LS 4BOUT T3R3Z1 1S BRO4DC4ST1NG SO LOUD YOU'D H4V3 TO B3 D34F NOT TO T4ST3 1T. 1T 1S COM1C4LLY OBV1OUS TO 3V3RYON3 WHO POSS3SS3S S3NS3 ORG4NS.

BUT THOS3 S4M3 F33L1NGS 4R3 WH4T OBSCUR3 JUN3'S P3RC3PT1ON OF TH3 TH1NGS 3V3N T3R3Z1 H3RS3LF C4N'T S4Y OUT LOUD.

TH1NGS L1K3: SH3 SP3NT SO LONG LOOK1NG FOR VR1SK4 B3CU4S3 SH3 COULDN'T ST4ND TH3 THOUGHT OF B31NG 4ROUND 4 G4GGL3 OF 1D1OTS WHO JUST DON'T G3T 1T.

WHO DON'T G3T WH4T 1T'S L1K3 TO LOV3 SOM3ON3 YOU H4T3.

OR WHY YOU C4N'T L3T TH3M GO.

SH3 LOOK3D FOR VR1SK4 B3C4US3 SH3 H4D TO B3L13V3 TH4T TH3 VR1SK4 SH3 KN3W H4D GROWN UP 4ND L34RN3D TH3 W31GHT OF HURT1NG P3OPL3. B3C4US3 T3R3Z1, D3SP1T3 H3R 3XH4UST1V3 W1SDOM CONC3RN1NG M4TT3RS OF CR1M3 4ND 3V1SC3R4T1ON...

ST1LL STRUGGL3D TO KNOW TH4T FOR H3RS3LF. 4ND FOR H3R VR1SK4 W4S, 4MONG M4NY TH1NGS, 4 M1RROR SH3 US3D TO M34SUR3 H3R OWN QU4L1TY.

T3R3Z1 PYROP3 4LSO HURT P3OPL3, 4ND SH3 H1D H3R GU1LT B3H1ND 4 M4SK OF L3G4L OBJ3CT1V1TY. TH1S D1D NOT M4K3 H3R 4NY L3SS GU1LTY. SO SH3 H4D TO B3L13V3 TH4T 1F TH3 WOM4N SH3 LOV3D 3NOUGH TO C4LL S1ST3R H4D FOUND 4 W4Y TO M4K3 UP FOR H3R M1ST4K3S, TH3N SH3 COULD TOO. 

WH4T JUN3 D1DN'T KNOW W4S TH4T 3V3RTH1NG T3R3Z1 H4T3D 4BOUT VR1SK4 W4S R34LLY SOM3TH1NG SH3 H4T3D 4BOUT H3RS3LF.

4ND 3V3RYTH1NG SH3 LOV3D 4BOUT VR1SK4 W4S SOM3TH1NG SH3 W1SH3D SH3 COULD SH4R3.

SH3 LOOK3D FOR VR1SK4 B3C4US3 NOT DO1NG SO M34NT L1V1NG 1N 4 WORLD W1THOUT TH3 ON3 M1RROR SH3 3V3R FOUND WHOS3 R3FL3CT1ON G4V3 H3R 4 S3NS3 OF PURPOS3.

June: so, why did she come 8ack to Earth C?  
Terezi: B3C4US3...

SH3 W4S 4NGRY.

TH3N SH3 W4S D3SP3R4T3.

TH3N SH3 W4S SURPR1S3D.

4ND TH3N SH3 W4S HOP3FUL, B3C4US3 SH3 THOUGHT SH3 M1GHT H4V3 F1N4LLY FOUND SOM3ON3 3LS3 WHO GOT 1T.

SOM3ON3 WHO UND3RSTOOD WH4T 1T M34NT TO N33D 4NOTH3R P3RSON TO R3FL3CT YOU B3FOR3 YOU COULD 3V3R TRULY S33 YOURS3LF.

June: and has she? found someone like that, I mean?

SH3'S B3G1NN1NG TO TH1NK TH4T TH3 4NSW3R M1GHT B3 Y3S.

Terezi: 1 W4NT TO B3L13V3 SH3'S ST1LL OUT TH3R3  
Terezi: BUT WH3N 1 GOT YOUR TR1CKST3R M3SS4G3S, 1 R34L1Z3D TH4T COULD B3 TH3 L4ST T1M3 1 3V3R H34RD FROM 4NYON3  
Terezi: WH1CH M34NT DY1NG 4LON3 1N COMPL3T3 OBL1V1ON  
Terezi: 1 W4S OK4Y W1TH TH4T FOR 4 LONG T1M3  
Terezi: 3XP3CT3D 1T, 3V3N  
Terezi: BUT TH3 1NVOC4T1ON OF VR1SK4 M4D3 M3 FUR1OUS, B3C4US3 1 R3FUS3D TO B3L13V3 TH4T YOU OR 4NYON3 COULD F1ND H3R B3FOR3 M3  
Terezi: 4ND TH4T W4S TH3 F1RST TH1NG 1 R34LLY C4R3D 4BOUT 1N 4 LONG T1M3, W4NT1NG TO L1V3 LONG 3NOUGH TO HURT SOM3ON3  
Terezi: BUT 1T D1DN'T T4K3 LONG FOR M3 TO R3M3MB3R WHY W3 OFT3N DON'T K1LL TH3 P3OPL3 WHO SOM3T1M3S M4K3 US 4NGRY  
Terezi: B3C4US3 THOS3 S4M3 P3OPL3 H4V3 4 N4STY H4B1T OF M4K1NG US L4UGH, TOO

She takes her hand from under mine and puts it on my cheek. Brushes her thum8 against one of the 8ruises she gave me in another timeline. I can't help but lean into her touch. When was the last time anyone touched me like this?

oh gosh. I think the answer might 8e "never".

Terezi: WOW, TH4T 1S JUST 4BOUT TH3 S4DD3ST TH1NG 1 3V3R H34RD G3T THOUGHT  
Terezi: W3 R34LLY 4R3 4 D1S4ST3R  
June: haha, "we"? I'm gr8, I don't know what you're talking a8out!  
Terezi: S4YS TH3 G1RL WHO D4NGL3D 4 M4N OV3R 4 VOLC4NO TO M4K3 4 POINT  
June: listen, argua8ly that was self defence.  
Terezi: WH4T 4BOUT WH3N YOU THR3W 4 F1T 4ND PUNCH3D 4 BU1LD1NG OV3R?  
June: alright that was,  
June: okay well that literally was a disaster, so.  
June: you h8ve a point.  
June: I GUESS.

We start laughing at the same time, and I think the expression on her face has to 8e identical to mine. Smiling. Open. Hap...

happy?

Terezi pulls her hand away.

Terezi: JUN3  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU L1K3 M3?  
June: you know, my Vriska 8sked me the same thing.  
June: heh.  
Terezi: WH4T D1D YOU T3LL H3R?  
June: that I wanted to be her.  
Terezi: WH4T W1LL YOU T3LL M3?  
June: that I want...

What do I want? I've got this whole list going and I still don't know the 8nswer. I feel an insistent tug on the string towards this girl and I want to follow it, 8ut...

June: I don't know what I want, Terezi.  
June: I've never 8een attracted to anyone before. never wanted to have, uhh........  
June: never wanted to 8E WITH anyone before.  
June: I feel something for you and I don't know what it is or what to do with it, and that scares me.  
June: everything new in my life l8ly has ended in tragedy, and I'm terrified this will just be more of that.  
June: yesterday I learned first hand exactly how long it would take for my only friends to decide that I needed to die. I don't think I particularly enjoy knowing th8t inform8ion!! it defin8ly doesn't make me want to trust more people!!!!!!!!  
June: I'm afraid that whatever comes next will just 8e another awful reminder that I'm doomed to fuck every thing up.  
June: this? right now? I like this! I want it to 8e enough. I want it to last forever because it's nice and warm and, and, I  
June: what if I 8reak everything?  
June: what if it's a mist8ke?  
June: what if  
Terezi: JUN3  
Terezi: WHY 4R3 YOU SO SC4R3D?  
Terezi: H4V3N'T YOU B33N SC4R3D 3NOUGH?  
June: ...  
June: you keep saying things she s8id to me.  
June: am I dreaming right now?  
Terezi: WOW, LOOK 4T YOU 3NG4G1NG 1N MOR3 MOR4LLY GRUB-T13R N4V4L G4Z1NG LUSUSSH1T 1NST34D OF 4NSW3R1NG TH3 QU3ST1ON  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 TO S4Y, 1 W4S NOT 3XP3CT1NG TO G3T TH1S MUCH US3 OUT OF TH4T P4RT1CUL4R S3R13S OF WORDS  
Terezi: WH4T'S FUNNY TO M3 4BOUT TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S TH4T YOU ST1LL TH1NK 1T'S 4LL 4BOUT YOU  
Terezi: WH1CH 1S S1MULT4N3OUSLY P34K VR1SK4 ON3 4ND P34K 3GB3RT CL4SS1C  
Terezi: WH1L3 YOU'R3 1N H3R3 WOND3R1NG WH1CH CHO1C3 1S L34ST L1K3LY TO R3SULT IN L4RG3 SC4L3 MORT4L C4T4STROPH3, 3V3RYBODY 3LS3 1S OUT TH3R3 L1V1NG TH31R STUP1D BOR1NG L1V3S  
Terezi: 1 4M L1T3R4LLY FL1RT1NG W1TH YOU SO H4RD 1T C4N B3 D3T3CT3D FROM SP4C3, 4ND YOU'R3 WORRY1NG 4BOUT TH3 MOR4L R4M1F1C4T1ONS OF B31NG 4L1V3  
Terezi: H3R3'S 4 D1L3MM4 FOR YOU:  
Terezi: WH4T H4PP3NS WH3N YOU'RE SO STR3SS3D 4BOUT W4ST1NG SOM3ON3'S T1M3 TH4T YOU 3ND UP W4ST1NG TH31R T1M3?  
June: uhh  
Terezi: TH3 4NSW3R 1S TH3Y DON'T H4V3 S3X W1TH YOU  
June: UHHHHHHHH  
Terezi: 1F YOU 4R3N'T R34DY FOR TH4T, 1T'S F1N3  
Terezi: JUST T3LL M3  
Terezi: G1V3 M3 SOM3TH1NG TO WORK W1TH  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW 1F YOU'VE NOT1C3D BUT 1 DON'T D34L W3LL W1TH 4MB1GU1T1ES  
Terezi: 4ND TH3 F4CT TH4T YOU K33P FORG3TT1NG TH4T 1 4LSO H4V3 4 CHO1C3 1N TH1S 3QU4T1ON 1S G3TT1NG ON MY N3RV3S  
Terezi: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK YOU'R3 SO SMOOTH TH4T 1'M BL1ND3D BY MY F33L1NGS?  
Terezi: 1'M 4LR34DY BL1ND, 3GB3RT  
Terezi: STOP RUNN1NG YOURS3LF 1N C1RCL3S WORRY1NG 4BOUT M3 4ND TRUST TH4T 1'M H3R3 B3C4US3 1 W4NT TO B3  
Terezi: 1F 1T WORKS, 1T WORKS  
Terezi: 1F 1T DO3SN'T, 1T DO3SN'T  
Terezi: YOU C4NNOT 4VO1D M1ST4K3S 4ND YOU W1LL N3V3R M4K3 3V3RYON3 H4PPY  
Terezi: SO STOP TRY1NG 4ND JUST DO SOM3TH1NG  
June: ...  
June: I...  
Terezi: FUCK1NG H3LL 3GB3RT 1S TH1S WH4T 1T'S GO1NG TO T4K3 3V3RY T1M3 B3C4US3 1 DON'T KNOW HOW OFT3N 1 C4N R3P34T TH3 S4M3 SH1T B3FOR3 1 F33L L1K3 1'M GO1NG CR4ZY  
June: I- yeah, okay. okay.  
Terezi: OK4Y?  
June: okay as in I,  
June: I want,  
June: I would like to, uh  
June: 8ut I don't think I know how?

My hands are shaking, and Terezi's smile is... it's so big. mischievous? that's a weird way to think of a smi oh jeez, she's getting closer. Slipping off her chair, leaning over towards me.

Terezi: WH4T DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO DO?  
June: how to, uhh

She slides over my legs and pushes me all the way 8ack in my chair. Slips an arm around my neck. Puts her forehead against mine, and

Terezi: HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO T34CH YOU 1F YOU DON'T T3LL M3?

shhhe speaks with her lips touching mine. her arm craaaaaaaawls up my neck and, and into my hair, and

my arms are hanging in the air 8eside her, I don't know what to do with them, I 

Terezi: PUT YOUR 4RMS 4ROUND M3

I've never, I'm soo, okay, my arms, I

when I touch her I expect her to tell me I'm doing it wrong, 8ut instead she makes a little satisfied noise and, my fingers curl up, against her, this is,

shhee kisses the corner of my lips, and,, I'm breathing so heavily, I'm, is this okay? is this alright??

Terezi: HOW DO YOU F33L?  
June: g  
June: good,  
Terezi: GOOD  
Terezi: HOW WOULD YOU L1K3 1T 1F 1 PUT MY H4ND UND3R YOUR SH1RT  
June: ohh, that  
June: sounds  
June: yes,

her other arm slips up under my shirt, her whole hand is, touching my, my stomach, up to my chest, I, oh that's a weird sound I just m8de

Terezi: SOM3ON3'S 3NJOY1NG H3RS3LF  
Terezi: >:]

ohh god she is isn't she? I am, I mean, I am really,

Terezi: YOUR SK1N 1S SO SMOOTH, JUN3. 1 L1K3 1T

she presses her mouth against mine and it feels like, we're, 8reathing in each other's heartbeats, all this energy, all this, what do I do with all this,

she bites my lip and I close my eyes, head 8ack, suddenly sss so muchh

her hand slides down, and and,

she,

oh fuck, i'm,

June: stop  
June: stop stop stop

she pulls her hands away, holding them up peacefully. I slip away from under her. walk to the other side of the kitchen. my arms trem8ling so hard, I can't even, what's

Terezi: JUN3, WH4T'S WRONG?  
June: I,  
June: I don't know, I  
June: FUCK I'm crying again!!!!!!!! why am I 8LWAYS crying?  
June: this is so p8thetic, what is wrong with me??

my hands slide to either side of my head and I, my legs give out from under me, and, I slide to the floor,

June: I don't understand what's  
June: why do I feel, like this  
June: I want,

I can't finish the sentence 8ecause I'm so88ing, full throated cries, I can 8arely 8reathe, I can't

her arm on my shoulder. just under my tattoo.

Terezi: 1'M H3R3  
Terezi: 1T'S OK4Y  
June: I'm sorry, I'm,  
June: I'm sorry  
June: I don't know what this is about, I  
Terezi: 1T'S F1N3  
Terezi: DON'T 4POLOG1Z3  
Terezi: JUST L3T 1T OUT  
June: it's just,  
June: I didn't know how much I w8nted to,,  
June: it never seemed like something that was for me, I  
June: never thought, that,  
June: so m8ny years alone, so much time just, just  
June: w8sted  
June: wishing I could 8e anyone else  
June: never admitting that's what I wanted  
June: never 8elieving it could ever,  
June: Terezi I,  
June: I'm so fucking lonely  
June: I've 8een so fucking lonely my whole life and I never thought that there was anything else.  
June: and now I'm me and you're here and it feels  
June: it feels like a mir8cle.  
June: why did it take me so fucking long????????  
June: wh8t was I DOING??  
June: why didn't I just,  
June: why couldn't I  
June: I,  
June: I could have died never knowing how this felt  
June: I wanted to die for so long I never even called it that,  
June: and now,  
June: it's  
June: is this,  
June: is this what 8live people feel like?

the words keep hitching in my throat 8ecause there's just no room left in me for all this feeling, it's pouring out of me like tar and it should 8e so repulsive, but Terezi's laying on the floor with me now, holding me, and I'm crying into her shoulder. she's so warm, she's so,

June: I don't deserve this,  
June: wh8t have I ever done to deserve  
June: I'm nothing, I'm  
June: why are you even,  
June: you can do 8etter than me I'll just let you down I'll just, I'll,  
June: I'll ruin everything somehow  
June: I don't deserve this

but she doesn't go anywhere. why doesn't she leave? why is,

she's here, and,

she's here,

and,

so am I?

Terezi: 1 4M H3R3  
Terezi: 4ND 1 PROM1S3 YOU, JUN3  
Terezi: YOU D3S3RV3 TH1S 4S MUCH 4S 4NYON3 H4S D3SRV3D 4NYTH1NG

ohhhhhhhh boy and there's another round of sobs!! jeez this is, so much, this is so much, it's so m8ch, it's so so so, so

much.

my 8reathing slows. there's not much left in me, I think. the tears are rolling down my f8ce but I can breathe again and I can open my eyes again, and I see Terezi is cryiNG TOO NO PLEASE I WAS JUST STARTING TO COLLECT MYSELF THIS IS THE WORST

she laughs. it's not a derisive laugh, it's the laugh of someone who knows,

someone who gets it.

Terezi: 1T'S L1K3 YOU H4D 4 KN1F3 1N YOUR CH3ST YOUR 3NT1R3 L1F3, BUT YOU THOUGHT 1T W4S JUST 4 P4RT OF YOU  
Terezi: 4ND FOR 4LL YOU KN3W, TH4T W4S JUST HOW 3V3RYON3 F3LT  
Terezi: 4LW4YS 1N P41N, BLOOD L34K1NG 3V3RYWH3R3 L1K3 4 CONV3RT FR3SH FROM CLOWN CHURCH  
Terezi: 4ND 3V3RY NOW 4ND TH3N SOM3ON3 WOULD PO1NT 4T TH3 KN1F3 4ND S4Y, WOW, TH4T LOOKS B4D  
Terezi: 4ND YOU WOULD S4Y, "NO, 1T'S F1N3"  
Terezi: 4ND 3V3RY NOW 4ND TH3N YOU'D HE4R SOM3ON3 T4LK 4BOUT H4V1NG 4 KN1F3 1N TH3 CH3ST  
Terezi: 4ND YOU WOULD S4Y, "W3LL, TH4T K1ND OF SOUNDS L1K3 M3, BUT 1T'S PROB4BLY NOT. 1'M F1N3."  
Terezi: 4ND YOU WOULD GO 3V3RY D4Y W4LK1NG 4 L1TTL3 SLOW3R, SP34K1NG 4 L1TTL3 QU13T3R, N3V3R F33L1NG R3ST3D, W4TCH1NG 3V3RYON3 4ROUND YOU G3T BY W1TH 34S3  
Terezi: 4ND YOU WOULD 4SK, "WHY C4N'T 1 K33P UP? WH4T'S WRONG W1TH M3? 4M 1 JUST

her voice catches on itself, she,

puts her forehead ag8nst mine, and

Terezi: "4M 1 JUST BROK3N?"  
Terezi: 4ND YOU H4T3D YOURS3LF FOR NOT B31NG 4S GOOD 4S TH3M  
Terezi: B3C4US3 OBV1OUSLY YOU W3R3 F1N3, R1GHT?  
Terezi: YOU H4D TO B3, B3C4US3 TH3 4LT3RN4T1V3 W4S TOO MUCH TO CONS1D3R  
Terezi: BUT TH3N ON3 D4Y 1T F1N4LLY H1TS YOU  
Terezi: SOM3ON3 S4YS 3X4CTLY TH3 R1GHT TH1NG, OR YOU OV3RH34R 3X4CTLY TH3 R1GHT CONV3RS4T1ON  
Terezi: 4ND YOU R34L1Z3  
Terezi: "NO"  
Terezi: "4CTU4LLY, 1'M NOT FIN3 4T 4LL"  
Terezi: 4ND YOU LOOK DOWN 4T TH3 KN1F3 1N YOUR CH3ST 4ND YOU TH1NK  
Terezi: "W4S 1T R34LLY TH1S TH3 WHOL3 T1M3??"  
Terezi: "COULD 1T R34LLY B3 TH4T 34SY?"  
Terezi: 4ND 4S YOU PULL 1T OUT, YOU R3L1V3 3V3RY L1TTL3 TH1NG YOU THOUGHT W4S YOUR F4ULT  
Terezi: 4ND 1T H1TS YOU TH4T YOU THOUGHT YOU W3R3 F1N3 4LL THOS3 Y34RS B3C4US3 YOU D1DN'T KNOW WH4T 3LS3 TO C4LL 1T  
Terezi: 4ND TH3N WH3N 1T'S OUT, 4ND YOU F1N4LLY S33 1T FOR WH4T 1T 1S  
Terezi: 4ND YOU JUST G3T SO 4NGRY  
Terezi: "WHY D1D 1T T4K3 M3 TH1S LONG TO R34L1Z3 1'D B33N ST4BB3D??"  
Terezi: "WHY D1DN'T 4NYON3 S4Y 4NYTH1NG??"  
Terezi: 4ND 4S YOU ST4RT TO H34L, YOU R34L1Z3 TH4T  
Terezi: YOU  
Terezi: TH4T YOU W3R3 TH3 ONLY ON3 ST4ND1NG 1N YOUR W4Y  
Terezi: B3C4US3 YOU W3R3 TOO 4FR41D TO 4DM1T TH4T SOM3TH1NG W4S WRONG  
Terezi: BUT 1T'S NOT YOUR F4ULT  
Terezi: 1T'S NO ON3'S F4ULT  
Terezi: 1T'S JUST 4 S4D, STUP1D, UNFORTUN4T3 TH1NG TH4T H4PP3N3D  
Terezi: 4ND 1T 1SN'T F41R, 4ND 1T HURTS 4 LOT  
Terezi: BUT 4T L34ST YOU GOT TH3 FUCK1NG KN1F3 OUT OF YOUR CH3ST  
Terezi: 4ND TH3 TH1NG 1S, JUN3  
Terezi: 4S MUCH 4S 1T HURTS R1GHT NOW  
Terezi: 1 PROM1S3 YOU 1T ONLY G3TS B3TT3R FROM H3R3

her red eyes are sc8nning vacantly, her face is,

I put a hand against her cheek and wipe away some of those teal tears with my thumb,

I'm, not afr8d to touch her?

she's here and, I am too, and

something's different now, 8etween us

I feel it passing silently in the little 8it of air that separates us

a little hint of energy

some kind of ide8

a furious silent sentiment that makes me want to kiss her so much.

how does she,

know how this feels?

June: was this your way of telling me th8t you're,  
Terezi: W3 DON'T R34LLY H4V3 4 WORD FOR 1T  
Terezi: BLOOD W4S TH3 ONLY 1D3NT1TY W3 W3R3 3V3R 4LLOW3D TO H4V3  
Terezi: YOU'D TH1NK TH4T WOULD M4K3 4LL TH1S G3ND3R SH1T 34S13R, BUT 1N R34L1TY TH4T JUST M4D3 1T 1MPOSS1BL3 TO T4LK 4BOUT  
Terezi: B3C4US3 WHY TH3 FUCK DO3S 1T M4TT3R, R1GHT?  
Terezi: TH3R3 4R3 4LW4YS DRON3S N34RBY WA1T1NG TO CULL YOU  
Terezi: WHY WOULD YOU 1NV1T3 TH4T K1ND OF W34KN3SS 1NTO YOUR L1F3?  
Terezi: 4ND HON3STLY, HOW COULD 1 4RGU3?  
Terezi: 1T'S 4N 1MPR4CT1C4L W4ST3 OF T1M3 4ND 3N3RGY  
Terezi: 1T M4K3S NO S3NS3  
Terezi: UNFORTUN4T3LY, W3 L1V3 1N 4 UN1V3RS3 TH4T 4LLOWS NONS3NS1C4L TH1NGS TO 3X1ST 4LL TH3 T1M3  
Terezi: 4ND YOU C4N ONLY PR3T3ND YOU DON'T H4V3 4 KN1F3 1N YOUR CH3ST FOR SO LONG B3FOR3 YOU BL33D TO D34TH  
June: fuck,  
June: that's like  
June: a re8lly good line, haha  
Terezi: 1 KNOW, TH4T'S WHY 1 S41D 1T  
Terezi: T4LK1NG 1S MY JOB 3GB3RT, W3'V3 B33N OV3R TH1S  
Terezi: >:']  
June: I can't believe you figured all this out on your own...  
June: if it weren't for my stupid 8rain ghost Vriska gender I'd still 8e compl8ly in the dark!  
Terezi: >:|  
Terezi: OH NO  
Terezi: H3H  
Terezi: PFFFFFFFPF  
Terezi: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 H4H4 H4HH  
Terezi: TH1S 1S  
Terezi: 1 C4N'T B3L13V3 1 JUST PUT TH1S TOG3TH3R  
Terezi: YOU MUST 3M4N4T3 SOM3 K1ND OF D1SGUST1NG M4G1C4L 4UR4 TH4T M4K3S OBV1OUS TH1NGS 1NV1S1BL3  
June: what do you mean??  
Terezi: 1T H4PP3N3D SO LONG 4GO 1T B4R3LY 3V3N F33LS R34L  
Terezi: JUN3  
Terezi: 1 D1DN'T F1GUR3 TH1S OUT ON MY OWN  
June: w8,  
June: VRISKA????????  
Terezi: FUCK1NG VR1SK4  
Terezi: W1THOUT H3R H3LP 1'D ST1LL B3 4  
Terezi: W3LL, 1 WOULDN'T B3 M3  
Terezi: 1 PROB4BLY WOULDN'T 3V3N B3 4L1V3  
June: damn.  
June: so she was,  
Terezi: YUP  
June: did she ever tell any8ody??  
Terezi: JUST M3  
June: then...  
June: so that's gotta mean there's like,  
June: some real piece of her in me, r8?  
Terezi: JUN3, 1 R34LLY DON'T TH1NK 1T M4TT3RS  
June: hm.  
June: yeah, I guess you're right.  
June: jeez, Vriska. wow.  
June: W8W!  
June: I mean, just... wow.  
Terezi: WOW  
June: wow.  
Terezi: >:]  
June: ::::)  
June: hmmm.  
June: the spider eyes feel kinda weird, huh?  
Terezi: 4 L1TTL3  
Terezi: BUT TH3N 4G4IN  
Terezi: W3 D1D JUST SP3ND TH3 L4ST T3N M1NUT3S CRY1NG ON YOUR NUTR13NT CH4MB3R FLOOR  
June: true.  
Terezi: HOW DO YOU F33L?  
June: like I just violently ejected my soul from my 8ody.  
June: I think I've cried more in the last three days than I have the entire rest of my life.  
June: including when my d8d died!  
June: jeez, how fucked up is that.  
June: I wonder if he  
Terezi: B3FOR3 W3 4SK 4NYMOR3 PROB1NG P3RSON4L QU3ST1ONS TH4T H4V3 4 H1GH PROB4B1L1TY OF 1NC1T1NG HYST3R1CS  
Terezi: L3T'S G3T OFF TH3 FUCK1NG GROUND  
June: oh, right!

We help each other stand up, sh8kily moving through the air, our hands touching, stretching together, and we,

we stand there. I'm looking at her

I'm so close to her, and

and I'm not afr8?

I lean over and I kiss her.

Terezi: S33, TH1S 1S TH3 GOOD G4Y SH1T 1 S1GN3D UP FOR  
Terezi: HOW LONG UNT1L W3 GR4DU4TE FROM H34VY P3TT1NG, DO YOU TH1NK?  
Terezi: 1'M P4T1ENT BUT 4 ROUGH 3ST1M4T3 WOULD B3 N1C3

oh, I'm

laughing now? so hard and,

laughing so much

I'm laughing like I really...

want to?

this is a nice ch8nge from tears.

I could get used to this, I think.

I pull her into a hug, and we just stand there. are we even two people anymore? I don't even know. this is so...

hm.

June: you, uh  
June: you smell re8lly bad.  
Terezi: FUCK YOU  
June: not until you shower.  
Terezi: > :O  
Terezi: LOOK 4T YOU FL1RT1NG B4CK  
Terezi: 1T'S 4N HON3ST TO TROLL J3GUS M1R4CL3

I laugh and set my head into the crook of her neck. There's a part of me that wants this moment to never end, to just linger here forever...

8ut I know there will be a lot more moments like this in the future.

Huh. How weird is that?

I have something to look forward to.

June: thank you, Terezi.

June: thank you.

June: thank you.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


\----

A few hours have p8ssed. We're sitting on the swings outside, idly kicking the dirt. There's a pleasant breeze carrying fat clouds across the sky. Seems like it might rain tonight, but for now the sun 8r8ks through enough that we never feel too warm or too cold.

The air smells like flowers and cut grass. Next to us are a few mostly empty take out food cartons, one for Chinese food and the other for Troll Chinese food, which Terezi insisted was extremely inauthentic. 

She peers over the notep8d again, holding it close to her face as she breathes through her mouth. There's a couple pages full now, with columns and lines and arrows and crossed out blocks of text. I watch her with a little nervousness, 8ut also... I mean, she's just.

I'm smiling. Been doing a lot of that this afternoon.

After she showered and changed into some of my old slimer pj's, we sat and 8anged our heads together to figure out this "plan" thing, and after a few chaotic drafts, we decided to take a 8reak and come back to it once we'd had something to eat. She's flipping 8ack and forth through pages with determination.

June: Any last thoughts?

She returns to page one and hands the note8ook over to me.

Terezi: OBV1OUSLY 1T'S R1SKY  
June: o8viously.  
Terezi: TH3 TH1NG W1TH J4D3 1N P4RT1CUL4R ST1LL WORR13S M3  
June: yeah, 8ut I don't think there's a better option. It could work.  
Terezi: TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG COULD WORK  
Terezi: BUT 1T COULD 4LSO 3XPLOD3 D1S4STROUSLY  
Terezi: 4R3 YOU SUR3 TH1S 1S WH4T YOU W4NT TO DO?

Inhale. Today was nice. Having an emotional 8reakdown that wasn't strictly related to my mortality was cool. Someone might start to feel complacent under these kinds of peaceful conditions.

June: I could sit here with you and 8e happy for a while, I think.  
June: you might 8e happy with that too.  
June: 8ut I'm already feeling restless, and I don't want to w8 around until someone else decides what to do with us.  
June: I want to DO some shit, you know?  
June: what a8out you?  
Terezi: 1 4BSOLUT3LY W4NT TO DO SOM3 SH1T  
June: so you think it's a good pl8n?  
Terezi: 1T'S 4 GOOD PL4N  
June: okay.  
June: yeah, I think so too.

Exhale. Lean my head back, let my weight carry me until I'm horizontal on the swing. Terezi does the same. I look at her, and for the first time since 8ecoming me, I think I finally know what the fuck I'm doing.

We have a plan. It's a good plan. And we have each other.

What could possi8ly go wrong?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [a 8rief conversation in the kitchen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20901680) by [gamblignant8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamblignant8/pseuds/gamblignant8)
  * [June8ug](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21231701) by [CloudDreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudDreamer/pseuds/CloudDreamer)


End file.
